Friday, July 06, 2007

The Grone Protocol: Confrontation at the Gates of Conflict, Chapter 003

Like most of you, I am a popular writer of highbrow thrillers and suspense novels in my spare time. Beginning today, I will be serializing my latest work, THE GRONE PROTOCOL, here in my “blog” (short for “web blog”) every weekend (unless I forget or don’t feel like it or die something). Here’s the third chapter, which should fill your daily quota of gripping intrigue. If not, go visit your grandma and steal a book from her; I hear that Sue Grafton is almost done cycling through the alphabet.

003

Jameson P. Greeley sipped his glass of milk through a straw, savoring each drop like a kitten would vodka, if the kitten were an alcoholic and/or Russian. Greeley took twenty-minute milk breaks thrice a day, regardless of how much work there was to be done. He drank only whole milk; he was fond of saying that he would rather drink his grandfather's shit than 2%. He had considered copyrighting that phrase and selling it to the Whole Milk Advocacy Council, but discovered after some research that such an organization did not exist.

As soon as he finished his last sip, his watch beeped, letting him know that it was time to get back to his duties. He put back on his manager hat, fastening the chinstrap with a satisfying click. The hat was cumbersome and hurt his neck, but he knew it inspired respect in his employees. A manager without respect is as useless as a male prostitute with his butthole sewn shut, he thought. He paused, then fished a pen out of his drawer and wrote down what he had just thought of. He chuckled to himself, picturing the admiration he would win from his fellow managers at the next Grone Corporation Strategy Fiesta Weekend. He would have to get some motivational t-shirts made.

Little did Greeley know that he would never be attending another Grone Corporation Strategy Fiesta Weekend. A day of reckoning was fast approaching, and no matter how big his manager hat was, it would not be able to stave off what was about to happen.

16 comments:

Jeremy said...

Wait, a cumbersome hat that inspires respect. Is Jameson P. Greeley the Man in the Yellow Hat from Curious George?

Brian said...

Joe, I just now wrote this song for you.


Did you ever know you're some person's heeeerrrooooooo!
You're everything that person probably wishes they could kind of beeeeee!
As a flightless duckling you can't fly higher, than an eeeaaaggglllleee
But you're the lift beneath someone's extended buoyant plaaaaannnneeesssss!"

Mene Tekel said...

Joe, you obviously don't like thriller novels, (Good, neither do I.) What kind of books do you like to read, authorwise?

That would make a nice blog.

lilyana said...

Re your July 6 note: It is nothing short of amazing that you have found such a rich store of hermenuetics in such an utterly sterile cartoon as "Marmaduke." Moving on to "Howard Huge" will obviously not help.

So.. stick with "The Grone Protocol." We'll be grateful.

The Restless Mouse said...

I think that your detached explanatory comments would be best suited to an utterly befuddling serial strip such as "For Better or For Worse", in fact it would be a public service.

The snarky comments over on the Comics Carmudgeon are entertaining but they don't help me understand what the hell is going on there.

Same for "Mary Worth". "Cathy" is just insane, she freaks out over everything. No amount of explanation would help that strip.

Brian said...

It looks like Joe has another side business on his hands:

Joe Mathlete Will Explain Any Comic Strip You Ask Him To on an Index Card.

also known as

Joe Mathlete Will Take Your Money In Exchange for Letting You Take Things Too Literally.

tashikitten said...

"...savoring each drop like a kitten would vodka, if the kitten were an alcoholic and/or Russian."

I am still laughing.

Leila said...

Dear Joe Mathlete,

Interested in procreating any time soon? I will have your babies!!!!EENUHHAUDGGHHH!

Jennifer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jennifer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jennifer said...

I came across your site while using my co-worker's computer at work (it's bookmarked). Now I find myself distracted at work, reading your blogs and comics.

Joe Mathlete, who are you?

Scott said...

dont stop explaining marmaduke, its the only thing that gets me up in the morning

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