Thursday, November 29, 2007


The following is a series of text messages I received this Thanksgiving, while I was at my parents' house. We ate a little after 3:00, so keep in mind that for a lot of this I was sitting next to my grandpa, trying not to be rude (to my credit, my phone was at least on vibrate).

1:55 PM
I do have strong feelings for you…and as odd as i keep telling myself that is…i still do. When i went out with jeff it was because i convinced myself

1:56 PM
razy to wear my heart out in the open like i do and like you so much and want to only court you right from the start…but that’s who i am. Im fairytales

1:59 PM
and crazytown. And when it didn’t seem like you were, i did go out and see other boys and put my walls up towards you…

2:13 PM
ey really really wanted to be around me. i never had any other reasons and if i felt that you felt and wanted the same with me as I did with you I wouldn

2:16 PM
you will meet…all i know is i cant help but think of you. i was at my aunts with my friends and family all day having so much fun! Drinking and cookin

2:17 PM
I didnt expect me to go out and date and you not to, i just expected to make myself not feel for you and move on by showing myself boys who acted like th

2:30 PM
And because i want to be honest, i have spent 2 nights in a bed with jeff since ive dated him this time. We didnt have sex. I didnt touch him at all. Bu

3:04 PM
ut i feel right in my actions because of your tone with me (on a regular basis) and your actions. I appreciate so very much that you would invite me to d

3:11 PM
You are as bi polar as a polar bear. Be kind to me or dont. It cant be both anymore...i would also likd to say im sorry i was so quick to write you off b

3:12 PM
inner with travie trav and his parents but how was i supposed to know? You spoke to me and acted as if i would be lucky to see you ever...

3:39 PM
k of you when im trying to think of anything but you. Ive thought of you since i first met you...there has to be something to that. I know you think im c

3:47 PM
that i didnt want to like someone (you) so much when they could just take or leave me. I needed more assurance than that if my heart was already falling

3:49 PM
for you . So i went out with him on the full intention of never having feelings for you again. But here i am... He kissed me and i thought of you. I thin

3:51 PM
g and i just kept thinking of you. Jeff came over to my aunts later that night to hang out and drink and still i thought of you. I spent last weekend mos

3:52 PM
tly at home or with my family. ..not boys...i'm not the crazy girl you imagine. I just am crazy about you. And the way you treat me drives me crazy!

3:58 PM
t go out and see others just because we disagreed or whatever...thats definately not who i am. When im shown respect and honesty, im the most loyal puppy

3:59 PM
and surprise surprise. I thought of you. You ass...happy thanksgiving zach.

4:04 PM
t the first night (when i planned on having nothing to do with you ever again)He touched me over my jeans but my shirt and bra were was awful...

4:11 PM
I just read that and it sounds like rape or something. it was nice actually but you know what i mean

9:19 PM
Zombihe! Are you amapzing time!

And now, here are my responses:

2:00 PM
Who is this? I think you have the wrong number

3:04 PM

4:13 PM
Why am I still getting text messages from you? who is zach? for christ's sake, YOU HAVE GOT THE WRONG NUMBER

Thank you to Verizon Wireless and their innovative "William Burroughs" method of text-message delivery. Also to the unknown teenage girl who transformed my otherwise-pleasant Thanksgiving into a Kafka-esque technological farce.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Great Moments in Mathlete History: The Official Slump Christmas Album

So: my friend Keith Reynolds (under the auspices of his band/performance art project/production company/self, Slump) puts on a Christmas pageant almost every holiday season, "The Slump XXX-Mas Show." The shows became something of a local hit here in town, combining familiar holiday icons like Santa & Mrs. Claus, Rudolph, Frosty and Jesus with enormous, unwieldy casts largely comprised of amateurs, stoners and ex-strippers reveling in what one reviewer referred to as "infantile scatology".

I participated in the show several years ago (my first "legitimate acting" role; I played I think a hobo or something). Inspired by both the show's "kindergartener learning to cuss" aesthetic and Keith's penchant for shameless hucksterism (among sundry other things, he once made a good deal of money selling "lucky pennies" for a dollar at a street fair), I decided to put together what was marketed as "The Official Slump Christmas Album" and sell it at shows. In a span of four days I came up with eleven songs, including two recordings of songs from the show: a rewrite of "Silent Night" and "Sucka Fucka (WARNING: NOT AN ACTUAL CHRISTMAS SONG)".

Other than the Slump songs, nothing on the album had anything to do with the Slump Christmas show other than a loose association with Christmas. The final product was half-assed and moronic at best, but I had a lot of fun and made sixty bucks, thus cementing my love of seat-of-the-pants art capitalism. As an afterthought, I sent a mislabeled copy of the disc to a music website that had reviewed a few Mathletes albums. The result turned out to be the single best thing any human has written about a piece of art I've produced.

This is one of the most offensive records I have ever listened to -- a collection of 11 tracks with titles like "Santa Is an Obese Racist" and "Fuck Shit Up with Jesus". Even the ones that sound like they might be okay are revolting. "Silent Night" combines the melody we all remember from Sunday School with lyrics about a rape, including the memorable chorus (this is the "sleep in heavenly peace" part) of "I'm going to fuck your ass." "Greensleeves" does a similar trick with another familiar melody, but this time the lyrics are not really objectionable, just retarded. The entire second verse consists of either Joe or Keith singing the words "green sleeves" over and over, kind of like the song at the end of Elmo's World.

I'm not against satire. I don't mind songs that make fun of religion. It's just that these tracks are not funny enough to justify their obscenity, and they are, musically speaking, not very interesting. They are mostly drum-machine driven, low-rent-synth-filled, disco-beated wastes of time. I had to listen to this. You don't.

-- Jennifer Kelly, Splendid E-Zine

I probably should have just retired then and there. Hell if I know how I'll ever top "I had to listen to this. You don't."

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

fun/asshole things to do to your family at Thanksgiving dinner

1. If you're straight, announce that you're coming out of the closet. If at all possible, do so when your grandpa is saying grace. Once the discussion moves elsewhere, quietly start piercing your nipples.
2. If you're gay and your parents disapprove, announce that you're going to be straight all day long as a present to your family. Then say that you need to be excused early because you've "got to go find some (pussy/dick) before midnight".
3. If you're a girl, announce that you're pregnant (again, during grace if possible). Later, excuse yourself and go to the restroom, then come back after a half-hour and announce that you just had a miscarriage so never mind.
4. Flirt with grandma.
5. Forcefully pick your nose. When confronted, explain to them that you'd rather eat boogers than that shit laid out on the table. Bonus points if you start bleeding.
6. Fake neck tattoo of a bulldog with an enormous erection.
7. Play footsie with everyone within leg's length.
8. Wear your iPod for the entirety of the evening. Sing along occasionally
9. Repeatedly and aggressively deny the Holocaust (unless your parents agree with such, in which case, uh, find a new family).
10. If you're a guy-- you know the scene in American Pie where the kid and the pie and the... yeah. Ask if you can help in the kitchen and do that to every dish you can get your hands on. When you're caught fucking the green bean casserole and they find holes in everything else: "What's the big deal? It's not like I'm coming in anything."
11. Hog all the stuffing.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Regarding these blogs I do

First of all:
cash advance

Cash Advance Loans

I have no idea how they calculated that, but if a website says it it must be true. I expect my MacArthur Fellowship certificate is in the mail.

Seriously, that's hilarious. The Marmaduke Explained blog got a "College (Postgrad)" label, which is odd considering I use so many more big words there (I've been mostly talking about animals for the last week in this one, and some of my sentences weren't even really sentences). Maybe "Genius" is somewhere below "College (Postgrad)" on the smarts totem? I dunno, I never graduated. Thankfully I didn't have more fart and dick jokes; otherwise I probably would've scored "College (Undergrad)."

Second, the thing where I draw stuff on index cards is being updated more or less regularly again.

Finally, cottage cheese is actually pretty good. So is Metalocalypse. I just figured all this out yesterday. Why did nobody tell me?

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

I hope you have all enjoyed Fable Week

If any of you are writers, specifically philosophically-minded allegorical moralists, and wish to expand upon any of these scenarios, you have my blessings.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Giraffe vs. Vampire Bat

Vampire Bat dies from exhaustion. Giraffe wins but is mildly annoyed.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Turtle vs. Tortoise vs. Terrapin

Tortoise wins by default. Turtle is upset but Terrapin takes it in stride and goes for a swim.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Frog vs. Dog

Draw (Frog is extraordinarily poisonous, but Dog is vegan and also not very affectionate).

Friday, November 09, 2007

Fish vs. Pine Tree


Lion vs. Hamster (On a Boat)

Hamster jumps off boat, Lion chases after, both drown. Boat wins.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Lion vs. Hamster

Lion catches and eats the hamster, but is still hungry.

Pig vs. Snake vs. Ice Cream

No matter what, ice cream loses.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Dudes Korner: "How to convince a lady to have sex with you in 20 words or less"

"I'll bet you my penis can't fit inside your vagina. If you win, you get to have sex with me!"

"Pardon me, but could I interest you in some orgasms?"

"It's not long, but it's skinny!" (warning: highly risky)

"You remind me of a girl I used to know who loved having casual sex with me"

"Do you have any (your ethnicity) in you? Want some in your vagina?"

"Whooo, baby, you're making MY 'seventh inning' stretch!" (only effective during the seventh inning at baseball games, if at all)

"What are you, chicken?"

Joe Mathlete Improves Famous Poetry

This Is Just to Say
(William Carlos Williams)

I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so yummy
Mmm-mmm yummy plums

A Dream Deferred
(Langston Hughes)

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun? Yuck!
Or fester like a sore--
And then run? Double yuck!
Does it stink like rotten meat? Yuck City USA!!!
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet? NOW we're talking!

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

I hope it crusts and sugars over like a syrupy sweet.

The Road Not Taken
(Robert Frost)

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And a grizzly bear ate me.

Friday, November 02, 2007

Haiku Corner

"Untitled Haiku For Grandchildren"

As you are right now
So too was I, long ago
Still, please hush up now

"Untitled Haiku For Grandchildren no. 2"

Stop picking your nose
There are no more boogers there
What is wrong with you

"Untitled Haiku For Grandchildren no. 3"

When I was your age
I wasn't such an asshole
Sure, go tell your mom