Thursday, November 29, 2007

Thanksgiving

The following is a series of text messages I received this Thanksgiving, while I was at my parents' house. We ate a little after 3:00, so keep in mind that for a lot of this I was sitting next to my grandpa, trying not to be rude (to my credit, my phone was at least on vibrate).

1:55 PM
I do have strong feelings for you…and as odd as i keep telling myself that is…i still do. When i went out with jeff it was because i convinced myself

1:56 PM
razy to wear my heart out in the open like i do and like you so much and want to only court you right from the start…but that’s who i am. Im fairytales

1:59 PM
and crazytown. And when it didn’t seem like you were, i did go out and see other boys and put my walls up towards you…

2:13 PM
ey really really wanted to be around me. i never had any other reasons and if i felt that you felt and wanted the same with me as I did with you I wouldn

2:16 PM
you will meet…all i know is i cant help but think of you. i was at my aunts with my friends and family all day having so much fun! Drinking and cookin

2:17 PM
I didnt expect me to go out and date and you not to, i just expected to make myself not feel for you and move on by showing myself boys who acted like th

2:30 PM
And because i want to be honest, i have spent 2 nights in a bed with jeff since ive dated him this time. We didnt have sex. I didnt touch him at all. Bu

3:04 PM
ut i feel right in my actions because of your tone with me (on a regular basis) and your actions. I appreciate so very much that you would invite me to d

3:11 PM
You are as bi polar as a polar bear. Be kind to me or dont. It cant be both anymore...i would also likd to say im sorry i was so quick to write you off b

3:12 PM
inner with travie trav and his parents but how was i supposed to know? You spoke to me and acted as if i would be lucky to see you ever...

3:39 PM
k of you when im trying to think of anything but you. Ive thought of you since i first met you...there has to be something to that. I know you think im c

3:47 PM
that i didnt want to like someone (you) so much when they could just take or leave me. I needed more assurance than that if my heart was already falling

3:49 PM
for you . So i went out with him on the full intention of never having feelings for you again. But here i am... He kissed me and i thought of you. I thin

3:51 PM
g and i just kept thinking of you. Jeff came over to my aunts later that night to hang out and drink and still i thought of you. I spent last weekend mos

3:52 PM
tly at home or with my family. ..not boys...i'm not the crazy girl you imagine. I just am crazy about you. And the way you treat me drives me crazy!

3:58 PM
t go out and see others just because we disagreed or whatever...thats definately not who i am. When im shown respect and honesty, im the most loyal puppy

3:59 PM
and surprise surprise. I thought of you. You ass...happy thanksgiving zach.

4:04 PM
t the first night (when i planned on having nothing to do with you ever again)He touched me over my jeans but my shirt and bra were off...it was awful...

4:11 PM
I just read that and it sounds like rape or something. it wasnt...it was nice actually but you know what i mean

9:19 PM
*Duplicate*
Zombihe! Are you amapzing time!

And now, here are my responses:

2:00 PM
Who is this? I think you have the wrong number

3:04 PM
PLEASE STOP TEXTING ME. YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER.

4:13 PM
Why am I still getting text messages from you? who is zach? for christ's sake, YOU HAVE GOT THE WRONG NUMBER

Thank you to Verizon Wireless and their innovative "William Burroughs" method of text-message delivery. Also to the unknown teenage girl who transformed my otherwise-pleasant Thanksgiving into a Kafka-esque technological farce.

25 comments:

Mene Tekel said...

Funniest thing I have read in a long period of time. I scared my roommate with my laughter.

jilly said...

I'm going to refer to myself as "fairytales and crazytown" from now on. That's how I'll get a man.

Colinski said...

The last message you received reads like something you might see on a t-shirt in Japan!

And I too am going to start saying "fairytales and crazytown."

booktapes said...

Nope, funnier than fairytales and crazytown: "You are as bipolar as a polar bear." Line of the year. Or maybe, "inner with travie trav how was I supposed to know?"

I also love how the truth sloooowly came out. I didn't touch him, I just kissed him, oh but I had my shirt off... But is was horrible so its okay. Hillarious.

Xeric said...

At first I was thinking, my goodness Joe, what did you do to this poor girl? I think this scenario could be easily turned into a short play, and should. In the end I think the real victim here is Zach.

Joseph said...

"Zombihe! Are you amapzing time!"

Holly Shit, I'm fucking crying! That was hysterical.

stacer57 said...

clearly, the messages are out of order. here's my best attempt to put them in the right sequence...

You are as bi polar as a polar bear. Be kind to me or dont. It cant be both anymore...i would also likd to say im sorry i was so quick to write you off but i feel right in my actions because of your tone with me (on a regular basis) and your actions. I appreciate so very much that you would invite me to dinner with travie trav and his parents but how was i supposed to know? You spoke to me and acted as if i would be lucky to see you ever...

I didnt expect me to go out and date and you not to, i just expected to make myself not feel for you and move on by showing myself boys who acted like they really really wanted to be around me. i never had any other reasons and if i felt that you felt and wanted the same with me as I did with you I wouldnt go out and see others just because we disagreed or whatever...thats definately not who i am. When im shown respect and honesty, im the most loyal puppy you will meet…all i know is i cant help but think of you. i was at my aunts with my friends and family all day having so much fun! Drinking and cooking and i just kept thinking of you. Jeff came over to my aunts later that night to hang out and drink and still i thought of you. I spent last weekend mostly at home or with my family. ..not boys...i'm not the crazy girl you imagine. I just am crazy about you. And the way you treat me drives me crazy!

for you . So i went out with him on the full intention of never having feelings for you again. But here i am... He kissed me and i thought of you. I think of you when im trying to think of anything but you. Ive thought of you since i first met you...there has to be something to that. I know you think im crazy to wear my heart out in the open like i do and like you so much and want to only court you right from the start…but that’s who i am. Im fairytales and crazytown. And when it didn’t seem like you were, i did go out and see other boys and put my walls up towards you…

And because i want to be honest, i have spent 2 nights in a bed with jeff since ive dated him this time. We didnt have sex. I didnt touch him at all. But the first night (when i planned on having nothing to do with you ever again)He touched me over my jeans but my shirt and bra were off...it was awful...I just read that and it sounds like rape or something. it wasnt...it was nice actually but you know what i mean

I do have strong feelings for you…and as odd as i keep telling myself that is…i still do. When i went out with jeff it was because i convinced myself and surprise surprise. I thought of you. You ass...happy thanksgiving zach.

Zombihe! Are you amapzing time!

not sure which version I like better...

Calcium Glitter said...

Wow. You should call that hot bitch up and get some fairytales and crazytown action. Hey wasn't that a band?

Alex said...

This seems like something that would be better communicated to Zach in a medium that allows you more than 160 characters at a time.

Alan said...

Literature bum I am this is now my favorite blog post ever.

ever.

J.M. wins the "one perfect narrative of any form"

life achievement award.

*clapclapclap*

Aaron Poppleton said...

Oddly enough, I too receive odd text messages (and phone calls, but I haven't had the heart to actually pick up on those ones) from unknown parties.

My favorite one was "just so u know, i hav to tell u everything."

deckard said...

This was amazing. Thank you.

And I believe "Fairytales and Crazytown" was a Jack Johnson album.

frogboots said...

i'm ALREADY fairytales and crazytown, but only in a suburb - this chick is obviously in the city center.


weird.

i wonder who zach is?
and if he really IS bipolar as a polar bear?

LS said...

Funny, yet sad.

I like how at 2pm you thought she had the wrong number, but my 3pm you were caps-lock for sure she did.

The Mayor said...

She is obviously writing to Zach Morris. That's what I do when I huff a shitload of varnish and shag-ass to Fairytales and Crazytown.

Jack Gordon said...

Man I'm brand-new to your blog and this was AWESOME. You totally should have encouraged her. . .

paige said...

i got the impression it was two separate girls and zach is a player of the highest caliber.

Atticus Sampson said...

ROFLMAO. Hilarious!

confusionqueens said...

ahahahahahahaha
most amazing thing iv read in a long time.
i feel so bad for you to have to go through and read all that.
i nam a teenage girl myself and i kn how horrid it can be to listen to us blabber.
but seriously?
in bed for two nights with someone she didnt touch?
lol i dont believe that.
teenagers dont do that.

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