"GENEOLOGY" (script for a short film that should probably never be made)

(BILLY, a teenage boy, is sitting at the kitchen table playing Gameboy, but one of the new Gameboys that's not called "Gameboy". TABITHA, BILLY's grandmother, walks into the room)

TABITHA: Billy?

BILLY: Oh! Hey, Grandma. How are you?

TABITHA: Billy, I've got something to tell you.

BILLY: What's up?

TABITHA: Please, put the game down, dear. I... This is rather important.

BILLY: (pausing Tetris or whatever) What is it? Is something wrong?

TABITHA: No, nothing's wrong, but... Well, I don't know exactly how to put this... Billy, you know you're very special to me, no matter what?

BILLY: Aww, Grandma...

TABITHA: Billy, I've watched you grow up over the years from a little boy into a fine, wonderful young man, and I think you're ready to hear this now.

BILLY: What is it, Grandma?

TABITHA: Well, Billy, the truth is, though I'll always love her more than anything... Your mother isn't actually my daughter.

BILLY: What do you mean?

TABITHA: After I married your Grandfather, God rest his soul, we wanted nothing more than to have children of our own, but the doctors told us we weren't able to conceive, so we talked to an orphanage and adopted your mother.

BILLY: So wait-- so that means you're not my real grandmother?

TABITHA: Well dear, technically speaking, no, I'm not.

BILLY: So we're not related at all...

TABITHA: No... No, we're not...

BILLY: So...

TABITHA: ...

(cut to BILLY and TABITHA making love on a king size canopy bed. Two French doors are open, leading to a balcony filled with flowers and a sky exploding with fireworks. Music: an orchestral version of any Coldplay song)

THE END

(note: 99% of credit/blame goes to Zach Howard, from whom I stole the idea more or less completely)

Joe Mathlete Improves Famous Poetry

This Is Just to Say
(William Carlos Williams)

I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so yummy
Mmm-mmm yummy plums

A Dream Deferred
(Langston Hughes)

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun? Yuck!
Or fester like a sore--
And then run? Double yuck!
Does it stink like rotten meat? Yuck City USA!!!
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet? NOW we're talking!

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

I hope it crusts and sugars over like a syrupy sweet.

The Road Not Taken
(Robert Frost)

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And a grizzly bear ate me.

Haiku Corner

"Untitled Haiku For Grandchildren"

As you are right now
So too was I, long ago
Still, please hush up now


"Untitled Haiku For Grandchildren no. 2"

Stop picking your nose
There are no more boogers there
What is wrong with you


"Untitled Haiku For Grandchildren no. 3"

When I was your age
I wasn't such an asshole
Sure, go tell your mom

JOLLY JOLLY JINGLEBEANS: THE MOVIE

This is so awesome. A brave group of film enthusiasts and thespians took a script I wrote a couple of months ago and totally did all sorts of moviemaking to it. I myself am a veteran of many kitchen-shot budget-free short films, so this strikes a particular chord in me (besides, y'know, the narcissism one).



They were surprisingly faithful to the script, down to the stage directions... When Jolly Jolly Jinglebeans appears in a fantastical burst of magic, you WILL believe in fantastical bursts of magic. Many thanks to Clav (possibly not his real name) and the rest of the crew.

If anyone would like to make any more movies for me, feel free. Suggestions: a film version of my unfinished play Robot Holocaust (up to you to finish it for me), a remake of Dr. Strangelove with puppets or cats, and old episodes of NewsRadio shot in the style of The Office.

What I did on my week off

Thanks to whoever filmed these, all the nice folks my friends and I met in San Antonio and Austin, you guys here for sitting tight while I took a breather, and the Flaming Lips (and road crew) for rather obvious reasons.

Cartoon Televangelist, Episode Two

Work off your Labor Day hangovers with your pal and mine, Cartoon Televangelist. Keep an eye out for the Prayer Cone!


Joe Mathlete: Exposing you to the future of cinema since a week or two ago.

YouTube Comment Haikus

Discovering these, the most obtuse and useless form of found art imaginable, are enough to drive a man mad. YouTube comments are perhaps the lowest form of human communication, and the more of them you read the closer you are to going into a grocery store one day and walloping on people with a ball peen hammer at random.

Anyway, having said that, I now present YouTube Comment Haikus for one of today's featured videos, Jimi Hendrix on Fire (summary: man makes portrait of Jimi Hendrix out of matchsticks, then lights it on fire).

Via user Knobbsy, a teenage metal fan from the United Kingdom:

seems a shame to make
summit like that only to
burn it was great though!!

From madmonk66, a 40-year-old music afficionado (tastes veering from Venom to Soft Cell):

Wow. Is that Jimi's
schlong on fire? What is this -
Mississippi? LOL
(note: "LOL," of course, counts as one syllable ("lole") rather than three ("ell oh ell"). I made up the artform; I make up the rules)

There are probably more buried in here, but I'm slowly losing my mind looking for more so I'll stop at two for today.

After six hours of garbage, I have an internet connection at my home

I don't wanna talk about it any further. But anyway, at the risk of turning this blog into, well, a blog, here's a clip from youtube in lieu of actual, original content. These two minutes amount to one of the most profoundly affecting influences from my formative, toddling-oriented years; thank god for YouTube, and thank god for anyone and everyone who dropped acid and worked at PBS when I was a child.

This song is glorious.

Meet Cartoon Televangelist

I did not make this, but you can thank me anyway.

MAGRITTE EXPLAINED: The Revenge

Magritte painted a picture of a pipe, then lied about it in French.

MAGRITTE EXPLAINED, again

Fine Art Week rages on, both here and at Joe Mathlete Will Draw Anything You Ask Him To On An Index Card. Whether or not you're ready for it, it's time to have...

MAGRITTE EXPLAINED


A woman's face has been replaced by breasts, a belly button, and a vagina (or at least some pubic hair).

alternately:

A woman's head, arms and legs have been replaced by some hair and a neck.

More MAGRITTE EXPLAINED

Welcome to the second day of Fine Art Week. Don't forget to check in on the good, clean, fine, artful fun over at Joe Mathlete Will Draw Anything You Ask Him To On An Index Card; meanwhile, here is another installment of my incredibly helpful public service...

MAGRITTE EXPLAINED



A seated man's body is made mostly out of birdcage.

FINE ART WEEK!!! Oh boy!

As you know, I'm committed to exposing as many people I can to as much fine art and rarefied cultural artifacts as I can cram down their yamholes. This week, I'm taking a break from progressive, forward-thinking literature and music to focus my attentions on visual art. First and foremost, I'll be posting a new piece on my heretofore quasi-dormant Joe Mathlete Will Draw Anything You Want On An Index Card thing each day this week, and trust me when I say that art doesn't get any finer than this. Beyond that, make sure to check back here every day, as I contextualize the work of Belgian surrealist Rene Magritte in a new installment of...

MAGRITTE EXPLAINED



A well-dressed man has an apple stuck to his face.