Saturday, February 09, 2008

"GENEOLOGY" (script for a short film that should probably never be made)

(BILLY, a teenage boy, is sitting at the kitchen table playing Gameboy, but one of the new Gameboys that's not called "Gameboy". TABITHA, BILLY's grandmother, walks into the room)


BILLY: Oh! Hey, Grandma. How are you?

TABITHA: Billy, I've got something to tell you.

BILLY: What's up?

TABITHA: Please, put the game down, dear. I... This is rather important.

BILLY: (pausing Tetris or whatever) What is it? Is something wrong?

TABITHA: No, nothing's wrong, but... Well, I don't know exactly how to put this... Billy, you know you're very special to me, no matter what?

BILLY: Aww, Grandma...

TABITHA: Billy, I've watched you grow up over the years from a little boy into a fine, wonderful young man, and I think you're ready to hear this now.

BILLY: What is it, Grandma?

TABITHA: Well, Billy, the truth is, though I'll always love her more than anything... Your mother isn't actually my daughter.

BILLY: What do you mean?

TABITHA: After I married your Grandfather, God rest his soul, we wanted nothing more than to have children of our own, but the doctors told us we weren't able to conceive, so we talked to an orphanage and adopted your mother.

BILLY: So wait-- so that means you're not my real grandmother?

TABITHA: Well dear, technically speaking, no, I'm not.

BILLY: So we're not related at all...

TABITHA: No... No, we're not...

BILLY: So...


(cut to BILLY and TABITHA making love on a king size canopy bed. Two French doors are open, leading to a balcony filled with flowers and a sky exploding with fireworks. Music: an orchestral version of any Coldplay song)


(note: 99% of credit/blame goes to Zach Howard, from whom I stole the idea more or less completely)


CamelPimp said...

You're putting orchestral Coldplay in it?

You sick fuck.

Leila said...

A 12-hour rehearsal day can only properly end with grandparent sex, I say. Joe Mathlete, you rock my world with awesomeosity.

News is Good said...

If we were computers
- which we are not -
I would reach round to turn you off.

If we were computers
- which we are not -
I imagine you would turn yourself back on.

I don't know you
- and I never will -
so it seems that my chance is gone.

Paul C. said...

"Harold and Maude: The Director's Cut"

booktapes said...

(Cut Away to Billy as an adult speaking to Billy Jr.)

Billy: ...And that's how you were conceived with your adopted great-grandmother... Wow, I feel better getting that off my chest! Just don't be weird about it at the reunion, okay? Gam Gam's memory isn't what it used to be, but... Well, that was an unforgettable night.

Billy Jr.: Dad, you're a horrible human being.

Billy: Hate the game, Son, not your dad sleeping with your adopted great-grandmother to conceive you.


deckard said...

A relative masterpiece of complex eroticism!

(Yes, I stole that from Arrested Development)

Paul A. Rodgers said...

I bow to your superior screenwriting abilities, Joe.

James Robert said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
James Robert said...

So... you banged your senile grandma, fled the city and have been holed up ever since. After your new funny hat failed to disguise you from your poor, vengeful family, you decided to concoct a story replacing you with your young retarded cousin, Billy - your dear grandma's memory isn't that bad, she remembers who has premature issues. Sicko.

Michael said...


kirbyfox said...

OK Joe- Clav and me already did Jolly Jolly Jinglebeans and we're busy with Jenga right now...maybe we can use this as a preview?...we'll get back to you...

ehaw12gs said...

the ky jelly people would like to recommend their new product for product placement in your new script....

possible slogans:

ky - for oral use only.
a lube of toothpaste.
when the piehole is a dryhole.
why kiss with a dry kiss.
put your honey where your mouth is.
gums too dry? dont cry! ky.

Matthew Adams said...

Your not one of those people who used to wish you were adopted because that would explain why you were so different to everyone else in your family (and why you were attracted to your gran), are you?

Yeah, thats a bloody awkward sentence..

lacochran said...

I picture the lead roles going to Barbara Bush and Billy Joe Armstrong from Green Day.


confusionqueens said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
confusionqueens said...

dude, that was KICKASS joe!!!
oh and hi by the way!

you are awesome!

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