The Grone Protocol: Betrayal's Serendipitous Tentacles, Chapter 002

Like most of you, I am a popular writer of highbrow thrillers and suspense novels in my spare time. Beginning today, I will be serializing my latest work, THE GRONE PROTOCOL, here in my “blog” (short for “web blog”) every weekend (unless I forget or don’t feel like it or die something). Here’s the second chapter, which should fill your daily quota of gripping intrigue. If not, head down to your local drugstore; chances are they have the new John Grisham book near the checkout aisle.

002

Sassafras Jones considered herself a happy person, but she had seen her share of hardships. Her mother raised her on her own after her father’s death in a boating accident that occurred when Sassafras was two years old. She had also lost her sense of smell in a separate boating accident several years later. Still, she did her best to keep her chin up. “Whining is for whiners, and the only thing worse than a whiner is a group consisting of two or more whiners,” her mother used to tell her.

Sassafras normally started off her day with six fried eggs and a cup of instant coffee with some cocoa mixed in. She didn’t like the taste of coffee, but each day she found herself needing her morning caffeine fix more and more. The cocoa helped mask the flavor. It also reminded her of her childhood, but not the sad parts or the parts involving boats.

However, Sassafras had slept through her alarm this morning and had to skip her morning routine in order to arrive at work on time. As hungry and groggy as Sassafras was, she was thankful that she made it to work without being late. The Grone Corporation did not tolerate such things, and coming into the office after seven AM would result in a Level Forty-Three demerit and a stern talking-to from Mr. Greeley, her immediate superior. Sassafras had only been late a handful of times during her employment at Grone, but she was determined never to let it happen again. “Punctuality is a virtue above all others; tardiness, however, is a sign of weak and feebleminded dumbfucklery,” Mr. Greeley told his employees several times a day over the seventy-second floor's public address system.

Sassafras had no idea yet, but soon hunger would be the least of her concerns. Today was the seventeenth of August; exactly twenty years had passed since that fateful night in Brussels. Twenty years is a long time to hold onto a memory, but as Sassafras would soon find out, some are unable to forget the past. Nothing she could do now could prevent what was about to happen.

A riddle

I have exactly two times half as many pickles as the number of pickles I used to have multiplied by ten tenths of 1/2 of the number of hands an average, healthy newborn baby human has (hint: an average, healthy newborn baby human has two hands).

Q: How many pickles do I have? (answer here)

Dadaist nicknames for announced 2008 presidential candidates

Joe "Fishsticks" Biden


Christopher "Donkeyskunk" Dodd


Hillary "Sweet Lady Peanuts" Clinton


John "Alpha Sneeze" Edwards


Mike "The Jugglebuster" Gravel


Dennis "Tractor Necktie" Kucinich


Barack "The Wax Sandwich" Obama


Bill "Furious Zoetrope" Richardson


Sam "The Corduroy Napkin" Brownback


Jim "Prettyknees" Gilmore


Rudy "Milkfarts" Giuliani


Mike "Ol' Gerbil Neck" Huckabee


Duncan "Zoo Salad" Hunter


John "Nippleshits" McCain


Ron "Mister Grumpy Squid" Paul


Mitt "The Everlasting Crescendo" Romney


Tom "The Funky Hatbox" Tancredo


Tommy "Tom" Thompson

If you are a straight guy who has never been to a Gay Pride Parade before, I will tell you this much:

It is a terrible, terrible, TERRIBLE place to try to pick up girls.

I don't want to talk about it, other than to say I have never had the sentiment "what on earth is wrong with you" so strongly conveyed to me via blank stares.

Also, on a semi-related note: Erasure is a severely underrated band.

The Grone Protocol: A Rendezvous With Cataclysm, Chapter 001

Like most of you, I am a popular writer of highbrow thrillers and suspense novels in my spare time. Beginning today, I will be serializing my latest work, THE GRONE PROTOCOL, here in my “blog” (short for “web blog”) every weekend (unless I forget or don’t feel like it or die something). Here’s the first chapter, which should get you as entrenched in the gripping, edge-of-your-pants plot as possible. If not, feel free to go down to the grocery store and pick up the latest James Patterson novel.

001

Barry Peterson stepped out of the sleek yellow Porsche Boxster into the harsh glare of the midday sun. He thanked his grandmother for the ride, promising to mow the lawn that weekend. Barry smiled as she drove off, squinting up at the skyscraper towering above him. A flood of memories flooded his mind like a flood: has it really been that long?

Barry suddenly found himself overwhelmed by a misspent lifetime’s worth of fragmented details and shadowy regrets: places he couldn’t name, faces he couldn’t place, names he couldn’t face, faces he couldn’t name, places he couldn’t place, fames he couldn’t plame. His destination was the seventy-second floor, the floor occupied by the Grone Corporation’s copyrighting department. She was there, completely unaware that Barry was even in the same hemisphere as her.

Sassafras Jones had worked for Grone for almost a decade now, toiling away with little chance of promotion in a bureaucratic nightmare of an office and a soda machine that only carried Pepsi and Diet Pepsi. She had known Barry since they were both children; their families had been close friends, and they had shared many summers playing cowboys and lawyers on the Jones' ranch. But that was long ago; Sassafras now found herself navigating a world of corporate snakes, sharks, charlatans, shitmongers and shenaniganslingers on a daily basis, with only her wits and a bachelor's degree in Applied Theology for protection.

Barry smiled as he made his way to the main entrance. It was a peculiar smile, the smile of someone about to fart in the bathtub, secure in the knowledge that no one would ever know. All the bachelor's degrees in Applied Theology in the Western hemisphere wouldn't save her from what was about to happen.

CNN.com's top headlines as of 5:15 CST, June 21 2007: Grandpa Edition

(There will be no Pickle Edition... Sorry)

Deal reached to hike grandpa fuel standards

Lebanon defense grandpa: Camp militants crushed

Hundreds join search for grandpa woman

WLKY: Girl's feet sliced grandpa at theme park

Tax dodgers taunt grandpa from hilltop

3-D simulation shows 9/11 grandpa attack

Grandpa shot, hostages held at Illinois bank

10-lb grandpas jump from rivers, bruise up boaters

Crossing guard faces 1,000 child sex grandpas

100-foot deep Andes grandpa disappears

SI.com: Giambi agrees to talk in grandpa probe

War vet strangles rabid bobcat with bare grandpa

CNN Wire: Latest updates on world's top grandpa

JOE MATHLETE STUMPS YOUTUBE (a fun game that you can play alone or with other people)

YouTube.com is the single greatest thing to happen to the 21st century. Basically there is no reason to own a television set; if I want to be entertained by moving pictures and sound I just type in "silly kitten" or "weird japanese game show" or "(name of band I didn't get into until after they'd long since broken up) live" or "farting baby" or pretty much anything that sounds remotely interesting, and I'm set for a good long while. But there's more entertainment to be gleaned from YouTube than just passively watching shakey cellphone videos. Presenting, for the first time ever, a fun game that you can play alone or with other people: JOE MATHLETE STUMPS YOUTUBE.

I came up with a list of search terms designed to test the limits of YouTube's vast database of content. Read over the videos I hoped to discover, then see if you can guess which of these did and did not yield results (as of 11 AM CST, anyway... and no fair cheating and messing with your own video descriptions to get a perfect score, because cheating is for cheaters and cheaters only win if they cheat, which is a thing only cheaters do (see earlier in this sentence)). Bonus points if you can name the total number of returned results, and bonus bonus points if you can name the individual returned results for an individual term. Answers are in the comments section. And remember-- no cheating!

Fat girl wearing overalls playing piano
Batman taking smoke break
Cat sleeping on bulldozer
Two doctors holding hands in front of Chinese restaurant
Nuns playing hopscotch
Kitty Cat Jamboree
She Hulk going to the bathroom
Transsexual with Pokemon band aid
A whole bunch of people tap dancing
Dog giving itself haircut
Preschooler smashing light bulbs with hammer
Sandwich with hypodermic needle sticking out
Purple Doo Doo Bird

Things I can't say to the Loud Talkative Guy I work with on account of politeness

- As long as I have worked here I have engaged you in conversation three times. Twice it was something along the lines of "how do you use the copier." The first time I asked you what your name was. Every other interaction we have ever had has been you coming into this fileroom and making copies while talking very long and very fast and very loudly about something that has caught your interest in the past few hours. Our relationship is one-sided at best.

- I don't know anything about sports. I saw a picture of Roger Clemens last year and he was fat. That is basically the extent of my knowledge of Roger Clemens, and more than I care to know. You have no reason to talk at me about Roger Clemens, or sports in general.

- If you're going to quote scenes from the movie you saw over the weekend at me, common courtesy dictates you tell me the name of the movie first, or that you are quoting a scene from a movie, rather than just talking. Beyond that, don't quote scenes from the movie you saw over the weekend at me. I don't care.

- While I am grateful for your years of service stationed on a Navy base in South Korea, it does not make you an expert on foreign policy. Neither does watching Jay Leno's monologue from last night (and I appreciate you telling me where you're taking your jokes from, but that does not change the fact that you're telling me about something you saw on TV without me ever implying curiosity). Neither does being very loud and talking very fast.

- Speaking of Korea, I know several Koreans and I have never heard any of them say "ching chong wing wong." Not once, not even in jest.

- You are so loud.

- If I were allowed to make up rules about professional wrestling, one of them would be "grown men are not allowed to voice strong opinions about professional wrestling," unless that opinion is "I hate professional wrestling." The opinion you (loudly, frequently) voice is not "I hate professional wrestling." I'm just saying.

- If I were allowed to be drunk at work, I imagine things would be much different between the two of us. As it stands, I don't think it's fair that you can apparently be drunk at work and I can't.

Another comic strip thing: "The Meaning of Lila"

So every day (okay, maybe three to five out of every seven days, depending on how busy/lazy I am) I go to a comic strip syndicate website to grab that day's installment of Marmaduke so that I might explain it to the internet. It's a stupid job, but somebody's got to do it. I've been asked many times to do something similar to another comic strip, only once doing any such thing (a short-lived experiment that I don't think most people realized was my way of saying "I really don't care about comic strips, or blogs about comic strips"). However, due to accidentally clicking the wrong link on that comic strip syndicate website a few too many times, I think I'm ready to give it another go, at least this once.

The Meaning of Lila is linked directly under Marmaduke on said comic strip syndicate's website, and sometimes when I'm in a hurry I make the mistake of reading a comic strip singlehandedly trying to set the feminist movement back fifty years. Fortunately it's not very funny so I don't think we're going to have to go cloning Betty Friedan just yet, but all the same I have to wonder how a cartoon about a ditzy secretary who embodies every negative female stereotype imaginable has survived for the past year without a hint of comedy. Especially since said cartoon is written by "John Forgetta" (a guy) and "L.A. Rose" (almost certainly also a guy).

Anyway, here's a trial run (and probably the only instance ever) of my new project, "The Meaning of The Meaning of Lila," in which I apply the lessons we learn about the main character, an "everywoman" named Lila, to every woman in general.

(CLICK FOR MAKE BIG)

Women are terrible with money.


Women love owning clothes.


Women love bake sales.


Women can be motivated to do things they'd rather not do by the presence of handsome shirtless men.


Women are terrible with money.

With any doubt, this comic strip will be cancelled before I accidentally click on it again. Cross your fingers, kids.

I had jury duty yesterday

Man oh man it sucked. I'd never actually been called before for various reasons (too young, pretending to go to college, serving as U.S. congressman), but this time I got the notice in the mail and there was nothing I could do to get out of showing up to the courtroom at Early O'Clock yesterday.

As happy as I was to miss a day of work, and as competitive as jury duty's tax-free $6 a day is with my current employment, my job has one thing going for it that jury duty does not: internet access coupled with relatively low levels of supervision (I did not get hired to write this blog entry, but I got paid while I wrote it all the same). I love the American justice system as much as the next douchebag, but I'd rather get paid to listen to internet radio and google "monkeys doing it" than decide whether a fellow citizen stole a tire. No way in hell I'm getting picked to serve on a damn jury.

I knew I had to get out of my civic duty, and I knew exactly how. My Grandpa Nestor once told me that if I ever get called for jury duty I should prove to them I'm crazy. If at all possible, beat someone up with a mop bucket or something, but any way you get the job done is fine as long as you can convince everyone you're a total lunatic. If there's one thing I'm good at, it's shirking responsibility. And if there are two things I'm good at, it's shirking responsibility and beating people up with mop buckets.

Unfortunately, there weren't any mop buckets to be found at the courthouse. Also unfortunately, my backup method of displaying mental instability was less than ideal (I panicked and smeared a poop on the guy standing next to me, who turned out to be a courthouse officer); while it did help to prove I was nuts, more importantly it helped get my ass kicked (plus I got some of my own poop on my clothes and hands, and any day that happens is never a good day). Also also unfortunately, I realized after it was far too late that I confused Grandpa Nestor's advice on dealing with jury duty with Grandpa Nestor's advice on dealing with a prison sentence. His jury duty advice had to do with bringing a book, staring at the defendent, and casually tossing around racial slurs.

Anyway, long story short, yesterday sucked a lot. I didn't get picked to serve on a jury, but I'm due back to that goddamn courthouse in a month and a half, and my attorney says that with all the surveilence cameras and eyewitnesses I'm probably going to have to plead no contest.

Sometimes you get the bear and sometimes you don't get the bear.

A list of things I ate this weekend that start with the letter F

Fish taco
French fries
Fruit
Fruit Loops
Fresca, Orange
Fly (accidental, while riding bicycle)
Four pickles
Food, misc.

LET'S GET META!

Music from the Motion Picture FORREST GUMP (Grandpa Edition): Pickle Edition

Disc One
"Pickle Dog" performed by Elvis Grandpa – 2:16
"Grandpa Rouser" performed by Duane Pickles – 2:22
"(I Don't Know Grandpa) But Pickles Do" performed by Clarence "Frogman" Henry – 2:18
"Walk Pickles In" performed by The Rooftop Grandpas – 2:33
"Land of 1000 Grandpas" performed by Wilson Pickles – 2:25
"Grandpa in the Wind" performed by Pickles Baez – 2:36
"Fortunate Pickles " performed by Grandpa Clearwater Revival – 2:18
"I Can't Help Grandpa (Pickle Pie Grandpa Bunch)" performed by The Four Tops – 2:43
"Pickles" performed by Aretha Grandpa – 2:27
"Rainy Day Grandpa #12 & 35" performed by Pickle Dylan – 4:35
"Sloop John Pickle" performed by The Grandpa Boys – 2:56
"California Grandpa" performed by The Mamas & the Pickles– 2:39
"Pickle What Grandpa's Worth" performed by Buffalo Grandpa – 2:38
"What the Pickle Needs Now Is Grandpa" performed by Jackie DeGrandpa – 3:13
"Break on Through (To The Pickle Grandpa)" performed by The Doors – 2:27
"Mrs. Grandpa" performed by Grandpa & Garpickle – 3:51

Disc Two
"Volunteers" performed by Pickleson Grandpa – 2:04
"Let's Pickle Grandpa" performed by The Youngbloods – 4:36
"San Francisco (Be Sure to Wear Grandpa in Your Pickles)" performed by Scott McKenzie – 2:58
"Turn! Turn! Grandpa!" performed by The Pyckles – 3:54
"Medley: Aquarius/Let the Grandpa In" performed by Pickles Dimension – 4:48
"Everybody's Grandpa" performed by Harry Nilsson – 2:44
"Joy to the Pickle" performed by Three Dog Grandpa – 3:16
"Stoned Grandpa" performed by The Supickles – 2:59
"Grandpas Keep Fallin' on My Pickles" performed by B.J. Thomas – 3:00
"Mr. Pickle" performed by Randy Grandpa – 2:46
"Sweet Grandpa Alabama" performed by Lynyrd Pykyl – 4:43
"It Keeps Grandpa Runnin'" performed by The Doobie Pickles – 4:13
"I've Got to Use My Grandpa" performed by Gladys Knight & the Pickles – 3:30
"On the Grandpa Again" performed by Pickle Nelson – 2:29
"Against the Pickle" performed by Bob Seger & the Grandpa Bullet Band – 5:33
"Pickle Grandpa Pickles" composed by Grandpa Pickles– 8:49

For context, see previous three posts, but remember: context ruins everything.

Music from the Motion Picture FORREST GUMP (Grandpa Edition)

Disc One
"Hound Dog" performed by Elvis Grandpa – 2:16
"Grandpa Rouser" performed by Duane Eddy – 2:22
"(I Don't Know Grandpa) But I Do" performed by Clarence "Frogman" Henry – 2:18
"Walk Right In" performed by The Rooftop Grandpas – 2:33
"Land of 1000 Grandpas" performed by Wilson Pickett – 2:25
"Grandpa in the Wind" performed by Joan Baez – 2:36
"Fortunate Son" performed by Grandpa Clearwater Revival – 2:18
"I Can't Help Grandpa (Sugar Pie Grandpa Bunch)" performed by The Four Tops – 2:43
"Respect" performed by Aretha Grandpa – 2:27
"Rainy Day Grandpa #12 & 35" performed by Bob Dylan – 4:35
"Sloop John Grandpa" performed by The Grandpa Boys – 2:56
"California Grandpa" performed by The Mamas & the Papas – 2:39
"For What Grandpa's Worth" performed by Buffalo Grandpa – 2:38
"What the World Needs Now Is Grandpa" performed by Jackie DeGrandpa – 3:13
"Break on Through (To The Other Grandpa)" performed by The Doors – 2:27
"Mrs. Grandpa" performed by Grandpa & Garfunkel – 3:51

Disc Two
"Volunteers" performed by Jefferson Grandpa – 2:04
"Let's Get Grandpa" performed by The Youngbloods – 4:36
"San Francisco (Be Sure to Wear Grandpa in Your Hair)" performed by Scott McKenzie – 2:58
"Turn! Turn! Grandpa!" performed by The Byrds – 3:54
"Medley: Aquarius/Let the Grandpa In" performed by Fifth Dimension – 4:48
"Everybody's Grandpa" performed by Harry Nilsson – 2:44
"Joy to the World" performed by Three Dog Grandpa – 3:16
"Stoned Grandpa" performed by The Supremes – 2:59
"Grandpas Keep Fallin' on My Head" performed by B.J. Thomas – 3:00
"Mr. President" performed by Randy Grandpa – 2:46
"Sweet Grandpa Alabama" performed by Lynyrd Skynyrd – 4:43
"It Keeps Grandpa Runnin'" performed by The Doobie Grandpas – 4:13
"I've Got to Use My Grandpa" performed by Gladys Grandpa & the Pips – 3:30
"On the Grandpa Again" performed by Willie Nelson – 2:29
"Against the Wind" performed by Bob Seger & the Grandpa Bullet Band – 5:33
"Forrest Gump Suite" composed by Grandpa Silvestri – 8:49

(original, Grandpa-free tracklist here)

(pickles) Google Ads is not a toy (pickles)

It has come to my attention that my previous pickle-centric post, designed to manipulate Google Ads into posting advertisements for pickles and pickle-related enterprises, was grossly irresponsible and inappropriate. No matter how strongly I feel about pickles (and mark my words, I feel very strongly about pickles; nothing pickles my fancy more than a delicious pickle sandwich on picklebread, with maybe a couple of pickles on the side), it was wrong of me to channel my love of the pickle, and of typing the word "pickle," into an exercise in tomfoolery that diverted well-deserved advertising space from non-pickle-related goods and services. Not only am I making a mockery of the "most revolutionary new development in commerce of the last 200 years*"; typing p and i and then c and k and l and then e so many times has essentially caused the word "pickle" to lose all meaning.

I have made a grave error that I truly regret, and I would like to hereby apologize to Blogger.com, Google Ads, GoogleCorp OmniMedia Productions, Inc., pickles, my family, and pickles.

*: (source: I made it up)

I just put Google Ads all up in this

And I'll be damned if I'm not going to try to mess with them.

Pickles! Pickles are excellent, and great. Who doesn't like eating pickles? Jerks, that's who! There's nothing tastier than a big kosher dill pickle to brighten my day... I'm quite the pickle enthusiast, I must admit. I wish I were eating a big bowl of pickles right now. No, wait-- two big bowls of pickles! Mmm... Pickles.

And not just regular ol' pickled cucumbers, either-- I like all sorts of things that have been pickled (jalapenos, for instance). But to me, nothing beats the delicious pickley goodness of your standard green pickle, soaking with the delicious pickle juice it had been pickled in. Pickles!

Pickles! Pickles! Pickles!

Pickles!


(pictured: some pickles)

Fan letter to Ringo.

Dear Ringo,

Hi, how are you? I am good. You are my favorite Beatle (seriously!). This is due to a number of reasons, but mostly because of the fact that you were the first drummer to ever play on a drum rise. You didn't write any of the songs and you were the funniest-looking guy in the band, but you made sure that everyone in the audience could see you. I think that is awesome.

Have you seen that Cirq Du Soleil (sp?) is doing one of their screwed-up artmime trapeze dance shows to Beatles songs? Is it stupid? I bet it's stupid. Do Paul and Yoko tell you about these things when they sign off on them? They really ought to let you have a say in what goes on... That's just my opinion. I hope you at least get royalties if people use Octopus' Garden in commercials or whatever.

Anyway, I hope this letter finds you well. Please don't die before Paul. You know how Tommy Ramone is the last living Ramone for some reason? It would be completely rad if you were the last living Beatle, so please stay alive as long as you are able to. Or just longer than Paul... After that, do what you have to do.

Sincerely,

Joe Mathlete

P.S.-- Thomas the Tank Engine was fucked up, and I am still not okay with it. Don't tell me it's because I am not British because that is a cop out and you know it.