JOE MATHLETE'S GREAT AMERICAN BLOG: politics

Showing posts with label politics. Show all posts

Monday, May 12, 2008

Dear Hillary Clinton: Please Stop Saying You Won Texas

On account of this is inaccurate. Here in the state of Texas we tend to do things different and usually sort of ass backwards, so on March 4 we had both a regular-type primary and also a caucus. You won the popular primary vote by two percentage points and lost the caucuses by twelve percentage points (source: facts). This gave you a total of 94 pledge delegates (65 from the primary, 29 from the caucuses) to Obama's 99 (61 primary / 38 caucuses).

I'm sorry; this has just been bugging me for a couple of months. I promise not to post about politics for as long as possible. I usually make it a point not to discuss politics with anyone unless they're a stranger and I'm drunk and yelling at them anyway.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Ron Paul

I have a friend named Walt who grew up in East Texas in the 60s and 70s, spending most of his youth in the cities of Freeport and Angleton. Walt hates the war in Iraq with a passion, and is sick enough of the status quo to advocate rioting at least a quarter of the time I talk politics with him. He thinks the Bush administration is the worst thing to happen to America in decades, possibly ever, and is massively disillusioned with the Democratic party. He will not be voting for Dr. Ron Paul.

As many of you know, Ron Paul was a gynecologist before entering politics. As probably only one or two of you know, Ron Paul was Walt's mother's gynecologist before entering politics. According to Walt, Ron Paul once recommended her a hysterectomy for reasons still at large, a recommendation that was not taken after a different doctor gave a second opinion discrediting and mocking Ron Paul's advice. Walt's mother lives to this day, hale and healthy and with every last bit of her uterus.

Ron Paul tried to steal my friend's mom's uterus.

I'm not going to tell you who I'm voting for, and I'm not going to tell you who I'm not voting for, but I will say this: a vote for Ron Paul is a vote for a man who tried to steal my friend's mom's uterus.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

WHO IS JOE MATHLETE GOING TO VOTE FOR IN THE 2008 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTIONS???

I don't know. Talk to me next year. Until then, for chrissakes shut up about it.

It's like Christmas ads in March.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

I think Larry Flint did this kind of thing once

(Context: Something I heard about in the news)

Let it be known that I, Joe Mathlete, will pay a sum of one hundred dollars to any man who can prove that a Senator from Idaho had sex with him in a bathroom, or tried to indicate via hand-jive signals that he wanted to have sex with him in a bathroom.

Let it also be known that I, Joe Mathlete, will duly accept full financial backing for the above from any and all advocacy groups who would like this information to be made public but are too classy to make this offer on their own.