Tuesday, January 13, 2009

MySpace Band Spam Revenge, part 2 of 3

OKAY LISTEN I GOTTA SAY THIS UP FRONT: This is close to three years old. It is one thing to get into silly beef with people on the internet, but another thing entirely to dredge up silly internet beef three years later for no reason. "If you can do no good, do no harm; if you think you might be doing both, just don't be too much of a dick about it."

So I'm going to misspell this guy's name enough that he won't google himself up some ire one random afternoon (just a tiny bit misspelt; it's just as silly and obtuse as it was before), and if someone figures out who I'm talking about I implore you: please don't fuck with him for no reason.

Unless he MySpace Band Spammed you. That is a good reason.

Anyway, here's this.

-------------------------------

MY NEW INTERNET FRIENDS
All you need to know about the latest band to randomly send the Mathletes a friend request

NAME: Toneramm: Instrumental

GENRE(S): Electronica / Drum & Bass / IDM
HEADLINE: "Toneramm: Instrumental Music"

LOCATION: NEW YORK, New York United States
IS THIS LOCATION REAL OR MADE-UP? Most likely real, though I can’t completely rule out the possibility that Toneramm: Instrumental is from Syracuse or Schenectady and he (it’s just one guy) just put his home state when MySpace asked him his location.
MEMBER SINCE: 3/4/2006

NUMBER OF FRIENDS: 8767

WHO, IF ANYONE, IN THEIR TOP EIGHT LIKELY DOES NOT KNOW THEM IN REAL LIFE, MUCH LESS WOULD CONSIDER THEM A FRIEND? Tortoise, Yuka Honda, Telefon Tel-Aviv

IS THEIR PAGE EDITED WITH THOMAS' MYSPACE EDITOR? IF SO, WAS IT A MISTAKE? It is not Toneramm: Instrumental has been far too busy pumping up his friend count to have time for much else.

NOTABLE HYPERBOLE / OUTRIGHT LIES: It’s hard to call bullshit on Toneramm: Instrumental’s profile, as there is virtually no information anywhere on the page other than the fact that its the side project of one James J. Jonathan Johnson (a.k.a. Toneramm), plus a couple of links to his other projects profiles/websites. Even the band name has an undeniable efficiency to it; right off the bat you know that you’re getting instrumental music, and if you’re familiar with the work of Toneramm, you know that it’s instrumental music made by Toneramm.
BEST COMMENT FROM A FAN AND/OR SPAM VICTIM: Fell in love with Consolidator. It's so chill. You sure got great work. Btw. Do you know any artists that make musics almost like Aphex Twin? I'm on a quest to search out new music. Comment back Tungst3r

I checked Tungst3rs page to see if Toneramm: Instrumental had any recommendations, and to my surprise, he actually responded to the guy:

Cheers, glad you like the tunes! Be sure to check out the songs as well
www.fatchicksinpartyhats.com/itoneramm
and more on the site --
www.doodoobutter.net/music.html

Best wishes,
- Toneramm
I will bet you tons of dollars that regular-type Toneramm sounds much less like Aphex Twin than Toneramm: Instrumental (which is not a whole lot to begin with). But, as with all MySpace comments, I suppose it’s the thought that counts.

WORST SONG TITLE: Losharique

WHAT THEY SOUND LIKE BASED ON THE FIRST THIRTY SECONDS OF THAT SONG: An unemployed ex-raver with a couple of jazz CDs, a laptop, and too much Starbucks

WHAT BAND PHOTOS SAY ABOUT THEM: An unemployed ex-raver with a couple of jazz CDs, a laptop, and too much Starbucks

SUGGESTED ALTERNATE BAND NAMES: Toneramm: Without Any Singing At All!
Toneramm: Vocals, Schmocals
Toneramm: Singing Is For Pussies
Toneramm: Menstruation
Froot E. Loopz and the Trial Demos
An Unemployed Ex-Raver With A Couple Of Jazz CDs, A Laptop, And Too Much Starbucks: Instrumental

ADDITIONAL COMMENTS: Toneramm: Instrumental is notably only for his astounding self-promotional abilities; in just over a month he has accumulated close to nine thousand friends (he got six more in the time I spent writing/copypasting this document; basically, he’s the Barry Bonds of MySpace). Beyond that, he has one of those hats worn by characters in shitty Gen-X movies from the mid-to-late 90s (in particular, the hat worn by the guy who skateboarded, was constantly stoned, and called people bro). He’s wearing it in the Toneramm: Instrumental photo as well as the regular Toneramm photo (Toneramm is in Toneramm: Instrumental’s top 8; whether or not Toneramm was kind enough to return the favor I don’t care enough to check). Either he’s going prematurely bald, or he has a very powerful lucky hat that just happens to look retarded. Oh: also, in both photos, he’s wearing big black DJ headphones.

Other than that, Toneramm: Instrumental appears to be wholly unremarkable.

I can’t tell how you’re supposed to pronounce Toneramm. I’m assuming “Tone Ram,” but what on earth does that mean? Maybe there’s some explanation on the regular Toneramm profile (or toneramm.net), but I’ve already spent a good 25 minutes looking at this page, and that’s about all the energy I’m willing to expend on this guy.

Finally, his myspace url (toneramminst) is an anagram for Tom Near Mints. Do with that what you will.
SPAM EFFICIENCY RATING: 273.97*
OVERALL RATING: A zip file of percussion samples and an expired coupon for five free CD-RWs

TONERAMM: INSTRUMENTAL, ENCAPSULATED: Band Members: Toneramm, Laptop


* : calculated by dividing their number of friends by the number of days they’ve been a member of MySpace; basically, the average number of people they’ve added per day

8 comments:

deckard said...

You forgot to change his name in the URLS he posted in the reply to that one dude's request for Aphex Twin-esque music, and in the "ENCAPSULATED" thing at the end. Hope you see this and correct it before your army of devoted readers show up at his house with Guy Fawkes masks.

Railroad ties said...

I'm glad I caught it before the URLs changed. It's more interesting with the context.

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