If you’re in a band and you have a MySpace page, you probably get friend requests all the time from terrible bands you want nothing to do with. Bands that have nothing to do with your own, bands from towns you’ve never heard of, bands that are usually rather terrible.
(If you’re a guy and you have a MySpace page, you probably get a lot of friend requests all the time from sexy bikini models. DON’T TRUST THEM THEY ARE ROBOTS THEY WANT YOU TO BUY CELL PHONES)
(If you’re a girl and you have a MySpace page, do u cyber lol)
Anyway: For a little while there in The Mathletes’ MySpace blog, I used to do a thing I called “My New Internet Friends: All you need to know about the latest band to randomly send the Mathletes a friend request.” I stopped rather quickly because it was frankly kind of mean, and I’ve never been one to snipe at other people’s creativity. But for awhile it yielded some chuckles.
Here is the first installment from early 2006, for a band called Cascade in Blue. Rescued from the depths of MySpace and reprinted here for your pleasure. No links, and don’t anyone go giving these guys a hard time for spamming somebody close to three years ago. But trust me: their page looked like shit.
NAME: Cascade in Blue
GENRE(S): Rock / Indie / Jam Band
HEADLINE: "whats that noise? SMELLS LIKE VIOLENCE!"
LOCATION: "ROCKVILLE," Maryland
IS THIS LOCATION REAL OR MADE-UP? Made-up. There actually probably is a town somewhere in the United States called Rockville, but I sincerely doubt that the real Rockville is spelled with all caps.
MEMBER SINCE: 10/12/2004
NUMBER OF FRIENDS: 1439
IS THEIR PAGE EDITED WITH THOMAS' MYSPACE EDITOR? IF SO, WAS IT A MISTAKE?: Yes, and definitely. All they did was change the color scheme to white text on a gray background, which is both hideous and nearly impossible to read (I had to highlight stuff with my cursor to even make it out). Beyond the lack of both aesthetic charm and user-friendliness, you think they would've at least considered using the color blue in some way (there is the slight possibility that they would've thought that was too obvious, but, c'mon, they identify as a jam band).
BEST BLOG HEADLINE: "the texture of reality."
BEST COMMENT FROM A FAN AND/OR SPAM VICTIM: "hey guys, its kl... You kinda have a Corrs feel maybe kinda Mogwai. I didnt listen very hard, i was listening quietly (lol) so i couldnt hear much, but what i heard was v. good." Petey Pete
NOTABLE HYPERBOLE: Where to begin.
"In an age where changing the radio dial yields a lack real musical inspiration, six boys from Maryland are starting a music revolution."
"Their music intrigues audiences breaking all the demographic barriers of race, gender and age. As Cascade in Blue performs they give the audience no choice but to listen. A strange phenomena occurs as they play drawing people closer and closer to the stage with each song making them a hard act to follow."
My favorite, however, is this part:
"Each member possesses the kind of talent that cannot be taught it is embedded into each of their existences. What needed to be learned was not how to play music, but how to harness their abilities to form what has become known as Cascade in Blue."
Apparently each of them was born knowing how to play violin or double bass or "the Percusions."
NOTABLE OUTRIGHT LIES: Sounds Like: "Nothing youve ever' heard before."
"As Cascade in Blue plays, the musicians' souls open, inviting each soul in the audience to come and dance with themif even for a mere 40 minutes."
I doubt that happens at even half of their shows.
WORST SONG TITLE: "Song of Sea"
WHAT THEY SOUND LIKE BASED ON THE FIRST THIRTY SECONDS OF THAT SONG: The Arcade Fire fronted by a guy with Downs Syndrome covering "Desert Rose"-era Sting b-sides.
WHAT BAND PHOTOS SAY ABOUT THEM: "We got kicked out of high school jazz band for smoking weed."
SUGGESTED ALTERNATE BAND NAMES: Cascade in White on Grey
Humility on Parade
Cascade in Poo
ADDITIONAL COMMENTS: Cascade in Blue's profile is packed to the gills with a wonderfully contradictory blend of earthy arrogance. You get the feeling that these are probably nice kids and all, but they really need to learn not to update their profile while they're stoned. Their main page is hard to beat, but the blog reveals plenty of interesting details. Highlights:
- They were rated "numero 1 - grupo de la semana" last January by a Spanish music site called Rock Style. The Cascader writing that particular blog entry reveals that he doesn't really understand much Spanish (although he was pretty pumped that their "awesome picture" was on the site), which leads me to wonder why they bothered sending their CD to websites based in Spain in the first place.
- They signed up to play the Emergenza "Festival," which is a combination battle of the bands/pyramid scheme where unwitting groups (who usually hear about it via MySpace spam mmm, mmm, irony!) pay an entrance fee to get put on a bill with 20 other gullible bands from their city in hopes of advancing to the next round, then the next, then however many more until they get signed by Interscope or something (also, the bands are encouraged to get their fans/friends/parents to buy "presale" tickets). The blog only mentions Cascade in Blue playing in round one, so I don't think it turned out the way they had hoped.
- They are as passionate about meaningful human relationships as they are about how awesome their music is. One entry (this one by "luke") begins "i think blogging needs to stop. we cant forget how to speak with our mouths. face to face. please. but, since we are all here, and gathered infront of the lsd fire... dsl... pdh... lcd, that's it. i hope that EVERYONE MUST BE AWARE..." And then he lists two upcoming Cascade in Blue shows (both of which he gives the designation "MUST SEE"). After their shows, Cascade in Blue encourages their fans to speak to each other with their mouths face to face, just so they don't get rusty while the rest of us blog enthusiasts' mouths crust over and seal up.
Finally, they really do state (in the General Info section) that one of their members plays "the Percusions."
SPAM EFFICIENCY RATING: 2.86*
OVERALL RATING: Two roaches and a pinch of shake
CASCADE IN BLUE, ENCAPSULATED: "after the show, someone by the name of Ben Krehbiel stopped me and said, "dude.... that was the soundtrack of the universe." it is a well crafted statement, and i hope that more and more people can hear that as well when they listen to our music"
- from a blog entry with the headline "a reflection on the 1 hour and 40 minute set we played tonight"
* : calculated by dividing their number of friends by the number of days they've been a member of MySpace; basically, the average number of people they've added per day