Why won't Rachel Maddow marry me?

Well, for starters I have never asked her. In fact, the two of us have never even met face to face, nor corresponded in any way shape or form; thus if I were to propose to her out of the blue it would be against most socially accepted courtship norms. Though I have been a fan of hers ever since I was a bored temp listening to Air America while pretending to do data entry, I don't think I would want to be married to somebody who would agree to marry me without even having met me, and I'm sure that goes the same for Rachel Maddow.

Beyond all that, according to Wikipedia she is in a long term committed relationship already, and it is enormously presumptuous of me to assume that said relationship will come to an end any time soon, if at all. She is certainly not going to break it off just to marry someone who watches her talk about the news and finds her swan-like neck distractingly attractive.

Finally, there is of course the obvious: the unrequited sexual tension bottling up in Keith Olbermann would finally reach a boiling point and he would murder me.

MySpace Band Spam Revenge, Part 3 of 3

The following is from the original comments section of the last MySpace blog entry I posted. The lesson (worded better towards the end): if you're going to be a dick, be prepared to acquit yourself when called out. I should point out, however, that I did mention at the very top of our page that I reserved the right to make fun of any band who asked to be internet band friends with us in an obviously spam-based fashion.

Anyway.

--------------------------------
Posted by TONERAMM: INSTRUMENTAL on Friday, April 14, 3:14 AM

I wonder what was your point of adding me as a friend to only subsequently badmouth me on your blog... seems a bit disingenious, doesn't it? FWIW, I actually listened to your music, and liked some of it, which is why I sent you an add in the first place.

Feel free to delete me from your friend list if you find my work or my persona unappealing. But before posting publicly about another artist, you could have at least checked the readily available facts -- e.g. this New Yorker blurb (EDIT: HE LINKED TO SOMETHING FROM THE NEW YORKER WHICH CONTAINED A SENTENCE THAT INCLUDED HIS NAME) or whatever press/bio info is linked on my page.

Regards.

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Posted by THE MATHLETES on Friday, April 14, 2:23 PM

Thanks for the reply, Toneramm: Instrumental. To respond to some of your comments:

"I wonder what was your point of adding me as a friend to only subsequently badmouth me on your blog... seems a bit disingenious, doesn't it?"

Though I've updated our profile since you sent me your request, the part that's up there right now about band spam was carried over from the older version verbatim. Can't say I didn't warn you, my (new internet) friend.

"FWIW, I actually listened to your music, and liked some of it, which is why I sent you an add in the first place."

FWIW, no you didn't. According to your page, you now have over 11,000 friends. Assuming that only one half of one percent of those are bands, you've listened to songs (multiple songs, unless when you say you liked "some of" The Mathletes' music you meant certain specific parts of a single song) from between five and six hundred bands in five weeks-- and those are just the ones that got the Tonearm: Instrumental Gold Standard Seal of Internet Friendship Approval. Putting these obvious logistical issues aside, if you'd spent any time loading songs on The Mathletes' page, you would have been able to read the aforementioned caveat to aspiring My Chemical Romances (which, in two sentences, you've made clear you didn't).

"Feel free to delete me from your friend list if you find my work or my persona unappealing. But before posting publicly about another artist, you could have at least checked the readily available facts-- e.g. (this New Yorker blurb) or whatever press/bio info is linked on my page."

Ah, but reading any information other than what's on your MySpace page would sully the purity of the My New Internet Friends project. The whole point here is that I'm giving you as much consideration as the average person you're spamming with friend requests: I look at your picture, I skim your bio and info, I listen to half a minute of one of your songs, and I'm equipped with all the information I need to form my opinion. So no, I'm not going to read about how you and four other guys played CDs at a club that a New Yorker staff writer's daughter took him to or whatever (just speculation). However, if you send me a friend request for your New Yorker blurb's MySpace page, then we'll talk (but make sure to actually read my profile this time).

LYLAS,

Joe Mathlete

-----------------------
Posted by TONERAMM: INSTRUMENTAL on Friday, April 14, 3:54 PM

You obviously have a lot of time on your hands to spend on ad hominem attacks based on myspace friend counts of people who send you friend requests. Whatever floats your boat.

------------------------
Posted by THE MATHLETES on Saturday, April 15, 3:08 PM

Obviously. Hey, you waste the best years of your life annoying strangers on the internet in the guise of promoting your go-nowhere musical endeavor your way; I'll waste the best years of my life annoying strangers on the internet in the guise of promoting my go-nowhere musical endeavor my way.

The difference being that you've annoyed thousands upon thousands of essentially anonymous strangers for five seconds apiece without having been provoked, and I've annoyed one non-anonymous stranger for going on two days now because he sent me the MySpace equivalent of one of those "ENLARGE YOUR PENIS UP TO FOUR INCHES AND WIN A FREE IPOD" emails despite having been given sufficient warning not to.

Anyway, I'm sorry if I upset you... I just hope you won't let this get in the way of our new internet friendship.

Sorry so sloppy,
Joe Mathlete

---------------------------
Posted by TONERAMM: INSTRUMENTAL on Sunday, April 16, 5:47 PM

Look -- I have no time for trading insults or writing retorts to your warped view of how social networks operate. In the constructive spirit of generousity condusive to internet friendship, I will only say this to you:

I have been studying, writing, producing, and performing music for close to twenty years now. I am sharing some instrumental tracks that people who may know my other work would not be familiar with. There is no hype on my page, no banners, no invitations to purchase anything -- just basic info and the music. A lot of people appear to like this music. I bet, you would have enjoyed it too, had you approached it amiably and spent a bit more that 30 seconds listening. Instead, you chose to waste 25 minutes complaining about my friend count. It's your choice.

Life is too short. Adios.

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Posted by THE MATHLETES on Sunday, April 16, 7:18 PM

"I have no time for trading insults or writing retorts to your warped view of bloobidy blah blah bloo etc."

That probably would have carried more weight had you said it right off the bat, rather than in your third written retort (I'd agree that you haven't really been all that insulting to me, but for you to be truly effective in that regard you would have to find out more about me and my band, and I know how you hate to read MySpace profiles). To be quite honest, I'm not so much made of time these days myself, but in the interest of not looking like a total asshole, I'll continue to respond to criticism of my criticism. As my grandmother was fond of saying, "if you can't say something nice, and you can't say nothing at all, at least be prepared to justify why you're mocking someone."

And I really hate to belabor this, but the quality of your music is wholly irrelevant here. I don't care if you sound like The Flaming Deerhoofs; you ignored the caveat in my profile and sent me internet junk mail, so I followed through on my promise and made fun of (among other things) your unimaginative name, silly hat, and warped view of how social networks operate.

"I am sharing some instrumental tracks that people who may know my other work would not be familiar with"

Then let Toneramm: A Capella's friends know about Toneramm: Instrumental, and leave the rest of us alone.

Sincerely,
A cartoon duck in a fake band on the internet

MySpace Band Spam Revenge, part 2 of 3

OKAY LISTEN I GOTTA SAY THIS UP FRONT: This is close to three years old. It is one thing to get into silly beef with people on the internet, but another thing entirely to dredge up silly internet beef three years later for no reason. "If you can do no good, do no harm; if you think you might be doing both, just don't be too much of a dick about it."

So I'm going to misspell this guy's name enough that he won't google himself up some ire one random afternoon (just a tiny bit misspelt; it's just as silly and obtuse as it was before), and if someone figures out who I'm talking about I implore you: please don't fuck with him for no reason.

Unless he MySpace Band Spammed you. That is a good reason.

Anyway, here's this.

-------------------------------

MY NEW INTERNET FRIENDS
All you need to know about the latest band to randomly send the Mathletes a friend request

NAME: Toneramm: Instrumental

GENRE(S): Electronica / Drum & Bass / IDM
HEADLINE: "Toneramm: Instrumental Music"

LOCATION: NEW YORK, New York United States
IS THIS LOCATION REAL OR MADE-UP? Most likely real, though I can’t completely rule out the possibility that Toneramm: Instrumental is from Syracuse or Schenectady and he (it’s just one guy) just put his home state when MySpace asked him his location.
MEMBER SINCE: 3/4/2006

NUMBER OF FRIENDS: 8767

WHO, IF ANYONE, IN THEIR TOP EIGHT LIKELY DOES NOT KNOW THEM IN REAL LIFE, MUCH LESS WOULD CONSIDER THEM A FRIEND? Tortoise, Yuka Honda, Telefon Tel-Aviv

IS THEIR PAGE EDITED WITH THOMAS' MYSPACE EDITOR? IF SO, WAS IT A MISTAKE? It is not Toneramm: Instrumental has been far too busy pumping up his friend count to have time for much else.

NOTABLE HYPERBOLE / OUTRIGHT LIES: It’s hard to call bullshit on Toneramm: Instrumental’s profile, as there is virtually no information anywhere on the page other than the fact that its the side project of one James J. Jonathan Johnson (a.k.a. Toneramm), plus a couple of links to his other projects profiles/websites. Even the band name has an undeniable efficiency to it; right off the bat you know that you’re getting instrumental music, and if you’re familiar with the work of Toneramm, you know that it’s instrumental music made by Toneramm.
BEST COMMENT FROM A FAN AND/OR SPAM VICTIM: Fell in love with Consolidator. It's so chill. You sure got great work. Btw. Do you know any artists that make musics almost like Aphex Twin? I'm on a quest to search out new music. Comment back Tungst3r

I checked Tungst3rs page to see if Toneramm: Instrumental had any recommendations, and to my surprise, he actually responded to the guy:

Cheers, glad you like the tunes! Be sure to check out the songs as well
www.fatchicksinpartyhats.com/itoneramm
and more on the site --
www.doodoobutter.net/music.html

Best wishes,
- Toneramm
I will bet you tons of dollars that regular-type Toneramm sounds much less like Aphex Twin than Toneramm: Instrumental (which is not a whole lot to begin with). But, as with all MySpace comments, I suppose it’s the thought that counts.

WORST SONG TITLE: Losharique

WHAT THEY SOUND LIKE BASED ON THE FIRST THIRTY SECONDS OF THAT SONG: An unemployed ex-raver with a couple of jazz CDs, a laptop, and too much Starbucks

WHAT BAND PHOTOS SAY ABOUT THEM: An unemployed ex-raver with a couple of jazz CDs, a laptop, and too much Starbucks

SUGGESTED ALTERNATE BAND NAMES: Toneramm: Without Any Singing At All!
Toneramm: Vocals, Schmocals
Toneramm: Singing Is For Pussies
Toneramm: Menstruation
Froot E. Loopz and the Trial Demos
An Unemployed Ex-Raver With A Couple Of Jazz CDs, A Laptop, And Too Much Starbucks: Instrumental

ADDITIONAL COMMENTS: Toneramm: Instrumental is notably only for his astounding self-promotional abilities; in just over a month he has accumulated close to nine thousand friends (he got six more in the time I spent writing/copypasting this document; basically, he’s the Barry Bonds of MySpace). Beyond that, he has one of those hats worn by characters in shitty Gen-X movies from the mid-to-late 90s (in particular, the hat worn by the guy who skateboarded, was constantly stoned, and called people bro). He’s wearing it in the Toneramm: Instrumental photo as well as the regular Toneramm photo (Toneramm is in Toneramm: Instrumental’s top 8; whether or not Toneramm was kind enough to return the favor I don’t care enough to check). Either he’s going prematurely bald, or he has a very powerful lucky hat that just happens to look retarded. Oh: also, in both photos, he’s wearing big black DJ headphones.

Other than that, Toneramm: Instrumental appears to be wholly unremarkable.

I can’t tell how you’re supposed to pronounce Toneramm. I’m assuming “Tone Ram,” but what on earth does that mean? Maybe there’s some explanation on the regular Toneramm profile (or toneramm.net), but I’ve already spent a good 25 minutes looking at this page, and that’s about all the energy I’m willing to expend on this guy.

Finally, his myspace url (toneramminst) is an anagram for Tom Near Mints. Do with that what you will.
SPAM EFFICIENCY RATING: 273.97*
OVERALL RATING: A zip file of percussion samples and an expired coupon for five free CD-RWs

TONERAMM: INSTRUMENTAL, ENCAPSULATED: Band Members: Toneramm, Laptop


* : calculated by dividing their number of friends by the number of days they’ve been a member of MySpace; basically, the average number of people they’ve added per day

MySpace Band Spam Revenge, part 1 of 3

If you’re in a band and you have a MySpace page, you probably get friend requests all the time from terrible bands you want nothing to do with. Bands that have nothing to do with your own, bands from towns you’ve never heard of, bands that are usually rather terrible.

(If you’re a guy and you have a MySpace page, you probably get a lot of friend requests all the time from sexy bikini models. DON’T TRUST THEM THEY ARE ROBOTS THEY WANT YOU TO BUY CELL PHONES)

(If you’re a girl and you have a MySpace page, do u cyber lol)

Anyway: For a little while there in The Mathletes’ MySpace blog, I used to do a thing I called “My New Internet Friends: All you need to know about the latest band to randomly send the Mathletes a friend request.” I stopped rather quickly because it was frankly kind of mean, and I’ve never been one to snipe at other people’s creativity. But for awhile it yielded some chuckles.

Here is the first installment from early 2006, for a band called Cascade in Blue. Rescued from the depths of MySpace and reprinted here for your pleasure. No links, and don’t anyone go giving these guys a hard time for spamming somebody close to three years ago. But trust me: their page looked like shit.

“Enjoy!”

-----------------------------------------------------------

NAME: Cascade in Blue

GENRE(S): Rock / Indie / Jam Band

HEADLINE: "whats that noise? SMELLS LIKE VIOLENCE!"

LOCATION: "ROCKVILLE," Maryland

IS THIS LOCATION REAL OR MADE-UP? Made-up. There actually probably is a town somewhere in the United States called Rockville, but I sincerely doubt that the real Rockville is spelled with all caps.

MEMBER SINCE: 10/12/2004

NUMBER OF FRIENDS: 1439

IS THEIR PAGE EDITED WITH THOMAS' MYSPACE EDITOR? IF SO, WAS IT A MISTAKE?: Yes, and definitely. All they did was change the color scheme to white text on a gray background, which is both hideous and nearly impossible to read (I had to highlight stuff with my cursor to even make it out). Beyond the lack of both aesthetic charm and user-friendliness, you think they would've at least considered using the color blue in some way (there is the slight possibility that they would've thought that was too obvious, but, c'mon, they identify as a jam band).

BEST BLOG HEADLINE: "the texture of reality."

BEST COMMENT FROM A FAN AND/OR SPAM VICTIM: "hey guys, its kl... You kinda have a Corrs feel maybe kinda Mogwai. I didnt listen very hard, i was listening quietly (lol) so i couldnt hear much, but what i heard was v. good." Petey Pete

NOTABLE HYPERBOLE: Where to begin.

"In an age where changing the radio dial yields a lack real musical inspiration, six boys from Maryland are starting a music revolution."

"Their music intrigues audiences breaking all the demographic barriers of race, gender and age. As Cascade in Blue performs they give the audience no choice but to listen. A strange phenomena occurs as they play drawing people closer and closer to the stage with each song making them a hard act to follow."
My favorite, however, is this part:

"Each member possesses the kind of talent that cannot be taught it is embedded into each of their existences. What needed to be learned was not how to play music, but how to harness their abilities to form what has become known as Cascade in Blue."

Apparently each of them was born knowing how to play violin or double bass or "the Percusions."

NOTABLE OUTRIGHT LIES: Sounds Like: "Nothing youve ever' heard before."

"As Cascade in Blue plays, the musicians' souls open, inviting each soul in the audience to come and dance with themif even for a mere 40 minutes."

I doubt that happens at even half of their shows.

WORST SONG TITLE: "Song of Sea"

WHAT THEY SOUND LIKE BASED ON THE FIRST THIRTY SECONDS OF THAT SONG: The Arcade Fire fronted by a guy with Downs Syndrome covering "Desert Rose"-era Sting b-sides.

WHAT BAND PHOTOS SAY ABOUT THEM: "We got kicked out of high school jazz band for smoking weed."

SUGGESTED ALTERNATE BAND NAMES: Cascade in White on Grey
Humility on Parade
Cascade in Poo

ADDITIONAL COMMENTS: Cascade in Blue's profile is packed to the gills with a wonderfully contradictory blend of earthy arrogance. You get the feeling that these are probably nice kids and all, but they really need to learn not to update their profile while they're stoned. Their main page is hard to beat, but the blog reveals plenty of interesting details. Highlights:

- They were rated "numero 1 - grupo de la semana" last January by a Spanish music site called Rock Style. The Cascader writing that particular blog entry reveals that he doesn't really understand much Spanish (although he was pretty pumped that their "awesome picture" was on the site), which leads me to wonder why they bothered sending their CD to websites based in Spain in the first place.

- They signed up to play the Emergenza "Festival," which is a combination battle of the bands/pyramid scheme where unwitting groups (who usually hear about it via MySpace spam mmm, mmm, irony!) pay an entrance fee to get put on a bill with 20 other gullible bands from their city in hopes of advancing to the next round, then the next, then however many more until they get signed by Interscope or something (also, the bands are encouraged to get their fans/friends/parents to buy "presale" tickets). The blog only mentions Cascade in Blue playing in round one, so I don't think it turned out the way they had hoped.

- They are as passionate about meaningful human relationships as they are about how awesome their music is. One entry (this one by "luke") begins "i think blogging needs to stop. we cant forget how to speak with our mouths. face to face. please. but, since we are all here, and gathered infront of the lsd fire... dsl... pdh... lcd, that's it. i hope that EVERYONE MUST BE AWARE..." And then he lists two upcoming Cascade in Blue shows (both of which he gives the designation "MUST SEE"). After their shows, Cascade in Blue encourages their fans to speak to each other with their mouths face to face, just so they don't get rusty while the rest of us blog enthusiasts' mouths crust over and seal up.
Finally, they really do state (in the General Info section) that one of their members plays "the Percusions."

SPAM EFFICIENCY RATING: 2.86*

OVERALL RATING: Two roaches and a pinch of shake

CASCADE IN BLUE, ENCAPSULATED: "after the show, someone by the name of Ben Krehbiel stopped me and said, "dude.... that was the soundtrack of the universe." it is a well crafted statement, and i hope that more and more people can hear that as well when they listen to our music"

- from a blog entry with the headline "a reflection on the 1 hour and 40 minute set we played tonight"


* : calculated by dividing their number of friends by the number of days they've been a member of MySpace; basically, the average number of people they've added per day

Happy Aught Nine

I'm watching M. Night Something's "The Happening." I've got about twelve minutes left. If you haven't seen it, it's worse than you've heard. I didn't pay for it and it's not even worth stealing. The director's name isn't even worth googling. If he can't bother to write proper dialogue I'm not gonna bother to write his proper name.

The twist is plants and it doesn't make any sense and the movie wasn't even bad enough to be funny and fuck you Marky Wahlberg for occasionally being a good enough actor for the world not to realize how shitty an actor you are.

Anyway, here's my quarterly "soon I will be back to writing things on the internet" vague update. If it weren't for the economy exploding and what I have been made to understand is a problematic beta-testing period or something like that, I would since Autumn have been writing close to a half-dozen posts a week, plus drawing a comic strip and then something having to do with videos. As far as I know (and I would like to think I know rather far), all of this is set to launch rather soon.

I really would like to write an introductory post about the site and put a link up and show you all the stuff I'm doing but, y'know, not yet. But soon!

"Stay tuned!"

(I also saw "True Stories" today, the movie the Talking Heads made. It was way way better. I don't hate everything, y'know)