"GENEOLOGY" (script for a short film that should probably never be made)

(BILLY, a teenage boy, is sitting at the kitchen table playing Gameboy, but one of the new Gameboys that's not called "Gameboy". TABITHA, BILLY's grandmother, walks into the room)

TABITHA: Billy?

BILLY: Oh! Hey, Grandma. How are you?

TABITHA: Billy, I've got something to tell you.

BILLY: What's up?

TABITHA: Please, put the game down, dear. I... This is rather important.

BILLY: (pausing Tetris or whatever) What is it? Is something wrong?

TABITHA: No, nothing's wrong, but... Well, I don't know exactly how to put this... Billy, you know you're very special to me, no matter what?

BILLY: Aww, Grandma...

TABITHA: Billy, I've watched you grow up over the years from a little boy into a fine, wonderful young man, and I think you're ready to hear this now.

BILLY: What is it, Grandma?

TABITHA: Well, Billy, the truth is, though I'll always love her more than anything... Your mother isn't actually my daughter.

BILLY: What do you mean?

TABITHA: After I married your Grandfather, God rest his soul, we wanted nothing more than to have children of our own, but the doctors told us we weren't able to conceive, so we talked to an orphanage and adopted your mother.

BILLY: So wait-- so that means you're not my real grandmother?

TABITHA: Well dear, technically speaking, no, I'm not.

BILLY: So we're not related at all...

TABITHA: No... No, we're not...

BILLY: So...

TABITHA: ...

(cut to BILLY and TABITHA making love on a king size canopy bed. Two French doors are open, leading to a balcony filled with flowers and a sky exploding with fireworks. Music: an orchestral version of any Coldplay song)

THE END

(note: 99% of credit/blame goes to Zach Howard, from whom I stole the idea more or less completely)

2008 part two

Hi internet. Sorry I've been away for so long; I've been doing stuff.

My life is a lot different than it was last time we spoke. I live in a different city and have cable for the first time since I was in high school. I find myself mostly watching CNN, sometimes Shin Chan if I'm up late enough. I work a very silly job that is a lot of fun. I'll give you a hint: I wear a silly hat and they say there's a teeny tiny chance I might get to meet Lou Reed.

I am not able to be around you that much for the time being, internet. I am sorry about this; it's not you, it's me. And it's not CNN's fault, either; even though I'm obsessing over the Obama campaign, madly in love with Abbi Tatton's British accent and oddly fascinated by the bizarre flirting between Wolf Blitzer and Jack Cafferty, I have many other reasons from being forced to keep my distance from you. That doesn't mean I love you any less than I ever did, so don't you go getting into hard drugs or prostitution just to fill a void, okay? There are still plenty of other people out there to browse your Wikipedia entries and reload Yahoo! News every five minutes.

LYLAS,

JM