Slang

It has occurred to me that I have come up with a fair share of slang terminology over the course of my lifetime, some of which I use almost every day, and I ought to begin cataloguing it somewhere. This probably isn't one of the worst places to do so.

FOR SERIOUS: What has just been said is true and is not a joke; for real. ("Yeah, I saw this guy bench press an entire cow. For serious!")

BEATS: This one is the most prominent in my stable. Similar to "Aloha" but more versatile, this is a general exclamation indicating:

-"hello" (PERSON: Hi, Joe. / ME: Beats!)
-"goodbye" (PERSON: So long, Joe. / ME: Beats!)
-"I am glad about that thing" (PERSON: I made you a cookie... / ME: Ah, beats!)
-"I am disappointed about that thing" (PERSON: ... but I ated it. / ME: Ah, beats...)
-"I don't really know what to say but I'm going to say something just to say something because that's what people do in conversations" (PERSON: Man I swear, the Astros have lost five of their last seven games with Jason Jennings on the mound. / ME: Well, y'know... Beats...)


and things to that effect. Can also be used in place of "Love," "Sincerely," "Respectfully yours" or what have you at the end of correspondence.

EAT MY BEATS: A challenge; exclamation indicating a throwing down of the gauntlet. (These jump rope moves are going to destroy you... Get ready to eat my beats). ALTERNATELY: Loosely, "kiss my grits" ("I've had it up to here with this entire broke-ass operation... You can tell the rest of the Jump Rope Club to eat my beats.")

PROPSING: Paying tribute; giving props. May or may not be ironic. ("Don't even pretend you don't like Richard Marx... You were just propsing him yesterday on your podcast.")

BRINE: Pee. ("No, I'll just be a second; I only gotta make brine. And anyway, gas station bathrooms are way too gross to make pickles in.")

BEANS: Generic, all-purpose swear word. ("What the... did that fucking cockatoo shit on my keyboard again? Ah, beans!")

These are my most commonly used challanges to the English language... Do with them what you will, but please don't make me regret sharing them.

Beats,

Joe Mathlete

A riddle

I have exactly two times half as many pickles as the number of pickles I used to have multiplied by ten tenths of 1/2 of the number of hands an average, healthy newborn baby human has (hint: an average, healthy newborn baby human has two hands).

Q: How many pickles do I have? (answer here)

A list of things I ate this weekend that start with the letter F

Fish taco
French fries
Fruit
Fruit Loops
Fresca, Orange
Fly (accidental, while riding bicycle)
Four pickles
Food, misc.

LET'S GET META!

Music from the Motion Picture FORREST GUMP (Grandpa Edition): Pickle Edition

Disc One
"Pickle Dog" performed by Elvis Grandpa – 2:16
"Grandpa Rouser" performed by Duane Pickles – 2:22
"(I Don't Know Grandpa) But Pickles Do" performed by Clarence "Frogman" Henry – 2:18
"Walk Pickles In" performed by The Rooftop Grandpas – 2:33
"Land of 1000 Grandpas" performed by Wilson Pickles – 2:25
"Grandpa in the Wind" performed by Pickles Baez – 2:36
"Fortunate Pickles " performed by Grandpa Clearwater Revival – 2:18
"I Can't Help Grandpa (Pickle Pie Grandpa Bunch)" performed by The Four Tops – 2:43
"Pickles" performed by Aretha Grandpa – 2:27
"Rainy Day Grandpa #12 & 35" performed by Pickle Dylan – 4:35
"Sloop John Pickle" performed by The Grandpa Boys – 2:56
"California Grandpa" performed by The Mamas & the Pickles– 2:39
"Pickle What Grandpa's Worth" performed by Buffalo Grandpa – 2:38
"What the Pickle Needs Now Is Grandpa" performed by Jackie DeGrandpa – 3:13
"Break on Through (To The Pickle Grandpa)" performed by The Doors – 2:27
"Mrs. Grandpa" performed by Grandpa & Garpickle – 3:51

Disc Two
"Volunteers" performed by Pickleson Grandpa – 2:04
"Let's Pickle Grandpa" performed by The Youngbloods – 4:36
"San Francisco (Be Sure to Wear Grandpa in Your Pickles)" performed by Scott McKenzie – 2:58
"Turn! Turn! Grandpa!" performed by The Pyckles – 3:54
"Medley: Aquarius/Let the Grandpa In" performed by Pickles Dimension – 4:48
"Everybody's Grandpa" performed by Harry Nilsson – 2:44
"Joy to the Pickle" performed by Three Dog Grandpa – 3:16
"Stoned Grandpa" performed by The Supickles – 2:59
"Grandpas Keep Fallin' on My Pickles" performed by B.J. Thomas – 3:00
"Mr. Pickle" performed by Randy Grandpa – 2:46
"Sweet Grandpa Alabama" performed by Lynyrd Pykyl – 4:43
"It Keeps Grandpa Runnin'" performed by The Doobie Pickles – 4:13
"I've Got to Use My Grandpa" performed by Gladys Knight & the Pickles – 3:30
"On the Grandpa Again" performed by Pickle Nelson – 2:29
"Against the Pickle" performed by Bob Seger & the Grandpa Bullet Band – 5:33
"Pickle Grandpa Pickles" composed by Grandpa Pickles– 8:49

For context, see previous three posts, but remember: context ruins everything.

(pickles) Google Ads is not a toy (pickles)

It has come to my attention that my previous pickle-centric post, designed to manipulate Google Ads into posting advertisements for pickles and pickle-related enterprises, was grossly irresponsible and inappropriate. No matter how strongly I feel about pickles (and mark my words, I feel very strongly about pickles; nothing pickles my fancy more than a delicious pickle sandwich on picklebread, with maybe a couple of pickles on the side), it was wrong of me to channel my love of the pickle, and of typing the word "pickle," into an exercise in tomfoolery that diverted well-deserved advertising space from non-pickle-related goods and services. Not only am I making a mockery of the "most revolutionary new development in commerce of the last 200 years*"; typing p and i and then c and k and l and then e so many times has essentially caused the word "pickle" to lose all meaning.

I have made a grave error that I truly regret, and I would like to hereby apologize to Blogger.com, Google Ads, GoogleCorp OmniMedia Productions, Inc., pickles, my family, and pickles.

*: (source: I made it up)

I just put Google Ads all up in this

And I'll be damned if I'm not going to try to mess with them.

Pickles! Pickles are excellent, and great. Who doesn't like eating pickles? Jerks, that's who! There's nothing tastier than a big kosher dill pickle to brighten my day... I'm quite the pickle enthusiast, I must admit. I wish I were eating a big bowl of pickles right now. No, wait-- two big bowls of pickles! Mmm... Pickles.

And not just regular ol' pickled cucumbers, either-- I like all sorts of things that have been pickled (jalapenos, for instance). But to me, nothing beats the delicious pickley goodness of your standard green pickle, soaking with the delicious pickle juice it had been pickled in. Pickles!

Pickles! Pickles! Pickles!

Pickles!


(pictured: some pickles)