Great Moments in Mathlete History: The Official Slump Christmas Album

So: my friend Keith Reynolds (under the auspices of his band/performance art project/production company/self, Slump) puts on a Christmas pageant almost every holiday season, "The Slump XXX-Mas Show." The shows became something of a local hit here in town, combining familiar holiday icons like Santa & Mrs. Claus, Rudolph, Frosty and Jesus with enormous, unwieldy casts largely comprised of amateurs, stoners and ex-strippers reveling in what one reviewer referred to as "infantile scatology".

I participated in the show several years ago (my first "legitimate acting" role; I played I think a hobo or something). Inspired by both the show's "kindergartener learning to cuss" aesthetic and Keith's penchant for shameless hucksterism (among sundry other things, he once made a good deal of money selling "lucky pennies" for a dollar at a street fair), I decided to put together what was marketed as "The Official Slump Christmas Album" and sell it at shows. In a span of four days I came up with eleven songs, including two recordings of songs from the show: a rewrite of "Silent Night" and "Sucka Fucka (WARNING: NOT AN ACTUAL CHRISTMAS SONG)".

Other than the Slump songs, nothing on the album had anything to do with the Slump Christmas show other than a loose association with Christmas. The final product was half-assed and moronic at best, but I had a lot of fun and made sixty bucks, thus cementing my love of seat-of-the-pants art capitalism. As an afterthought, I sent a mislabeled copy of the disc to a music website that had reviewed a few Mathletes albums. The result turned out to be the single best thing any human has written about a piece of art I've produced.

This is one of the most offensive records I have ever listened to -- a collection of 11 tracks with titles like "Santa Is an Obese Racist" and "Fuck Shit Up with Jesus". Even the ones that sound like they might be okay are revolting. "Silent Night" combines the melody we all remember from Sunday School with lyrics about a rape, including the memorable chorus (this is the "sleep in heavenly peace" part) of "I'm going to fuck your ass." "Greensleeves" does a similar trick with another familiar melody, but this time the lyrics are not really objectionable, just retarded. The entire second verse consists of either Joe or Keith singing the words "green sleeves" over and over, kind of like the song at the end of Elmo's World.

I'm not against satire. I don't mind songs that make fun of religion. It's just that these tracks are not funny enough to justify their obscenity, and they are, musically speaking, not very interesting. They are mostly drum-machine driven, low-rent-synth-filled, disco-beated wastes of time. I had to listen to this. You don't.

-- Jennifer Kelly, Splendid E-Zine

I probably should have just retired then and there. Hell if I know how I'll ever top "I had to listen to this. You don't."

fun/asshole things to do to your family at Thanksgiving dinner

1. If you're straight, announce that you're coming out of the closet. If at all possible, do so when your grandpa is saying grace. Once the discussion moves elsewhere, quietly start piercing your nipples.
2. If you're gay and your parents disapprove, announce that you're going to be straight all day long as a present to your family. Then say that you need to be excused early because you've "got to go find some (pussy/dick) before midnight".
3. If you're a girl, announce that you're pregnant (again, during grace if possible). Later, excuse yourself and go to the restroom, then come back after a half-hour and announce that you just had a miscarriage so never mind.
4. Flirt with grandma.
5. Forcefully pick your nose. When confronted, explain to them that you'd rather eat boogers than that shit laid out on the table. Bonus points if you start bleeding.
6. Fake neck tattoo of a bulldog with an enormous erection.
7. Play footsie with everyone within leg's length.
8. Wear your iPod for the entirety of the evening. Sing along occasionally
9. Repeatedly and aggressively deny the Holocaust (unless your parents agree with such, in which case, uh, find a new family).
10. If you're a guy-- you know the scene in American Pie where the kid and the pie and the... yeah. Ask if you can help in the kitchen and do that to every dish you can get your hands on. When you're caught fucking the green bean casserole and they find holes in everything else: "What's the big deal? It's not like I'm coming in anything."
11. Hog all the stuffing.

Regarding these blogs I do

First of all:

Cash Advance Loans

I have no idea how they calculated that, but if a website says it it must be true. I expect my MacArthur Fellowship certificate is in the mail.

Seriously, that's hilarious. The Marmaduke Explained blog got a "College (Postgrad)" label, which is odd considering I use so many more big words there (I've been mostly talking about animals for the last week in this one, and some of my sentences weren't even really sentences). Maybe "Genius" is somewhere below "College (Postgrad)" on the smarts totem? I dunno, I never graduated. Thankfully I didn't have more fart and dick jokes; otherwise I probably would've scored "College (Undergrad)."

Second, the thing where I draw stuff on index cards is being updated more or less regularly again.

Finally, cottage cheese is actually pretty good. So is Metalocalypse. I just figured all this out yesterday. Why did nobody tell me?

I hope you have all enjoyed Fable Week

If any of you are writers, specifically philosophically-minded allegorical moralists, and wish to expand upon any of these scenarios, you have my blessings.

Giraffe vs. Vampire Bat

Vampire Bat dies from exhaustion. Giraffe wins but is mildly annoyed.

Turtle vs. Tortoise vs. Terrapin

Tortoise wins by default. Turtle is upset but Terrapin takes it in stride and goes for a swim.

Frog vs. Dog

Draw (Frog is extraordinarily poisonous, but Dog is vegan and also not very affectionate).