Friday, May 25, 2007

I listened to a Bright Eyes song today


Like all the way through. Oh holy fuck I am angry.

Bright Eyes, for those of you who have not been college students or have not tried to impress college students within the last five years, is basically Dashboard Confessional only well-regarded by people who should know better (if you don't know who Dashboard Confessional is either, congratulations! You have led a blessed life and you can go read something else now if you like). The vehicle of a bratty and ludicrously self-lacerating midwestern singer-songwriter named Conor Oberst (side note-- how come yuppies were so terrible at coming up with first names for their children?) who has inspired sex dreams involving cunnilingus and weeping amongst countless artsy teenage girls, Bright Eyes/Oberst is the kind of guy who writes yelpy folk songs about why everyone should hate him so that everyone will like him. If you're between the ages of 16 and 30 you probably know or have known a guy like that. He's a dick, right? Right.

I've avoided this guy's music like a bucketful of cancer since I was first exposed to him and have actually had the good fortune of not having heard a single one of his songs for several years, but KEXP just played a song called "Soul Singer in a Session Band" from his new album and I figured it's good to keep informed of one's enemies so I didn't change stations (or URLs, I guess). I'm not going to go into why it was bad, other than the little asshole thinks he can combine pretending to hate himself and pretending to be Bob Dylan nowadays, but I will say that my day is more or less ruined now. Okay, one more thing: If you're from Nebraska and you're going to affect a British accent, you ought to have the decency to commit to it for more than just a handful of words.

I implore you to call your local independant/college-affiliated radio station and request that they not play any Bright Eyes songs. It's worth a shot. Make sure to punctuate your phonecall with forced hysterical crying, because judging by how many records Bright Eyes has sold, people really listen to you when you fake a tantrum.

17 comments:

Adam said...

needs moar marmaduke

Paul Silurian said...

Holy Zarquon, I laughed my arse off at that story. A "High five" for hating Bright Eyes and Dashboard Confessional... now I know that there is at least one other person living else in this moronic American culture who has taste.

kbryna said...

i don't know dashboard confessional. i kinda know bright eyes (i am forced to be around undergrads a lot).

i think your review here is quite accurate.

sometimes, i feel lucky to be living under a rock, unexposed to shitty popular culture and bad, bad music.

now, how do you feel about Fall out Boy?

Jillian said...

thank you, joe mathlete. thank you.

Joe Mathlete said...

I've never actually heard Fall Out Boy... I must be doing something right.

Tori said...

it's like you jumped inside of my head and found the exact way i feel about bright eyes. bravo.

Thers said...

I was once at a Guided By Voices show where Robert Pollard drunkenly mocked Bright Eyes in between nearly every song. Heh.

CamelPimp said...

I originally read that as: "Robert Pollard drunkenly molested Bright Eyes in between nearly every song.

I'm not sure which is better.

Mene Tekel said...

Your little Google ads to the right were just promoting Bright Eyes. By dissing him you are helping him sell albums. Great job.

Joe Mathlete said...

I think it only helps him sell albums if someone who was on the fence about Bright Eyes clicks one of those ads and purchases his new CD, presumably because they were convinced to do so via my post. If I've encouraged anyone to give him money by what I've written, I should probably just give up altogether anyway.

stephan!e lee said...

ok, so tho i agree with a lot of what u said, i think a lot of your commenters, in trying to ingratiate themselves with you, are being dismissive and arrogant in a childish way.

i bought 2 Bright Eyes cd's my first year in undergrad thinking i would like his stuff. and some of it was, admittedly, charming. but i couldn't listen to an album all the way thru and now i never touch the stuff.

all i'm saying is that ppl who claim they don't listen to any of his music, or haven't even heard of him before, and still claim to hate him with the passion you do, are being affected in much the same way as Conor Oberst is. and we all agree that's incredibly unattractive.

out,
stephan!e

alena said...

fuck you. he's just expressing himself, assholes. get a life. and you guys think undergrads are imature?

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